Prisoner
by Seigi-san
Summary: Cheesy title, yay. Just a whatif to see how things might have panned out if Murrue were Neo's prisoner and how they'd both have reacted. Rated T for ze smuts.
1. Chapter 1

( Okay, this is 'what if' on an epic scale. This time Murrue's the prisoner. And no, it's not going to pan out like one of those doujinshi's. Can't do that to her... )

* * *

"Nnnn.."

"Awake, huh?"

_Wish I wasn't. _Everything hurt. Closing her eyes she took a deep breath, wincing at the pain that caused - broken or cracked ribs, probably. Her left arm was crossed up over her stomach and held tightly, so a broken arm, and given the pounding of her head she'd likely done that some damage too. At least her legs worked when she wiggled her toes. Wherever she was it was pretty dim, but a faint light shone from somewhere near her feet. "Where am I?"

"My ship." The voice was familiar but for now she couldn't place it. Shuffling up slightly she leaned against the pillow, trying to make out the speaker. "Sorry we had to put you here."

"Hmm?" Managing to focus she made out the bars at the door and suppressed a sigh - wherever she was, she was a prisoner. "Alliance or ZAFT?"

"Alliance."

_Wonderful.. _"My crew?"

"We didn't find anyone else."

She quirked a smile. "You should have left me there. I'm no use to you."

"Only because the Alliance has no interest in deserters right now."

She rolled her eyes. Of course they'd have done a blood test. "So why am I here, exactly?"

"You were in a bad way. Orb are our allies, so we brought you back to get you patched up." The figure moved slightly, more into the light, and she got a confused impression of a black uniform and a silvery metallic helmet. "You don't seem very grateful."

"For being a prisoner?"

"For what it's worth, the doctors wanted to keep you in sickbay."

"But you decided I was a threat?" Considering that she couldn't even sit up the idea was amusing. "I wouldn't even be much of one if I were healthy."

"This is the safest place for you." There was no concern in his voice - the statement was matter-of-fact, indifferent. "They picked this crew to be loyal, and not neccessarily to me. If they knew there was a deserter on board, how do you think they'd react?"

The phrase 'not neccessarily to me' sent a chill down her spine she tried hard not to show. Not just the Alliance. Blue Cosmos.

"You understand now?"

_A bit too well. _"Don't tell me you're going to protect me."

"For now, I will. Until you've recovered."

_Then what? _She stared at the featureless metal ceiling. She left the question unasked, not wanting to know the answer, though she thought she could guess. Once she was recovered they'd likely hand her over at an Alliance base, and once they'd gotten all they could out of her..

"I know." the man said as though he could see what she was thinking. "I'll do what I can."

"Why?"

He shrugged. Not exactly reassuring, but more than she'd expected. Pressing a few buttons he opened the door and walked inside, locking it behind him. The uniform and helmet made him seem a forbidding figure, but strangely she didn't feel afraid. Reaching into his pocket he tugged out a bottle of something that rattled, probably painkiller tablets. "Don't take too many of these. They said they're pretty strong." Removing a white glove he placed a hand on her forehead. "No fever, though."

She closed her eyes at the touch, realising who his voice reminded her of.

"Why are you smiling?"

"No reason."

_Tougher than she looks_, he decided. She'd looked pretty fragile when they'd brought her back here, bloodied and battered, but despite her injuries she'd held up remarkably well, dark eyes betraying no hint of fear. Difficult to not respect that. _All the same, her being here is going to cause some problems.. _Not because of her having deserted - his crew were loyal - but because of her looks. Even with the bruised face and swollen lip she was beautiful, and that was why he'd had her brought here to the brig. If she was going to be of any use to the Alliance, it was better that she wasn't harmed. Removing his hand from her forehead he noticed that she was watching him, still with that little half-smile on her face.

"You're not scared."

"Of what?"

"Me."

She raised an eyebrow. "Should I be?"

"Most people are."

She looked him up and down, the direct gaze making him somewhat uncomfortable. Almost everyone around him avoided looking right at him, whether because of his rank, the mask or something more he wasn't sure, but she didn't seem to have a problem. Eventually she returned to looking up at the ceiling, uninjured arm resting by her side. "Do you _want_ me to be afraid of you?"

"I.." He didn't particularly _want_ people to be afraid of him, but it made his life easier. The crew followed his orders, they kept away from him, and they didn't ask questions. Still.. "It'd make my job easier if you were."

"Yes, it probably would."

_Somehow though, I doubt you will be. _He didn't intimidate her - he wasn't sure he'd be able to - in fact she was so frank with her words and gaze _he_ felt intimidated. Not what you'd expect from a prisoner, but he had a feeling that he'd barely scratched the surface with this one.

"Will they question me?" The question caught him off guard, he glancing down just in time to see a flicker of fear in those eyes.

"Probably." Once she'd been taken to an Alliance base they'd likely have a lot to ask her, and he doubted they'd be as civil with her as he had been. "Would you tell _me_?"

A quirk of a smile. "You know that my crew and I deserted, probably know that we fought with Orb at the end of the Bloody Valentine War. What else is there?"

"Why you deserted in the first place?"

She closed her eyes. "You wouldn't believe me."

"How do you know?"

Thin fingers curled in the blanket. "No-one would. I have no proof. But they'd be as likely to kill me to keep me quiet as they would to set an example."

He frowned, staring at the deck. He'd seen (and done) enough to know that the Alliance could be pretty underhanded sometimes, but killing someone simply because of something they might have seen? Glancing back up he saw that she was watching him, expression both sad and perfectly serious. She meant it. She really did believe they'd kill her. "Why?"

"We saw too much. Knew too much." She winced as she tried to shuffle up against the pillows. "What do the records say happened at Alaska?"

"That.." He pursed his lips, trying to recall. "That ZAFT levelled the place. They destroyed everything, even ships that were damaged and trying to escape." Noting her saddened look he sighed, shoving hands in his pockets. "You were right."

That little smile again. "You don't believe me."

"Why should I?"

"Good point." She used her good arm to adjust the thin blanket she'd been given. "You have no reason to. You just have my word, and that isn't worth much."

"No, it isn't." Harsh words, but also true ones, and she knew that as well as he did. "Most prisoners will say anything to save themselves."

"And that definitely wouldn't save me." He thought he heard a trace of laughter in her voice - gallows humour, he supposed. Odd that she could find something like that funny.

"Why did you get involved in our battles? Orb are our allies."

"The _Seirans_ are your allies."

Neo's lip curled. Seiran. Why he'd agreed to let that pompous little brat on his ship he still didn't

know. Huffing quietly he crossed his arms, looking up in surprise when he heard laughter. The act clearly hurt, her uninjured arm held over her stomach, but she was laughing. Giggling, actually, the sound gentle, kind. "You don't like them either?"

Though reluctant to admit they had something in common he shook his head, somewhat disappointed when the laughter faded. Leaning back against the wall he stared out through the bars. "You disagreed with the alliance then. Because you knew we'd find you?"

She smiled, not seeming bothered by the barb. "We like Orb the way it is. The way Cagalli-san wants it to be. And.." A twitch of her shoulders to indicate a shrug. "Sick of the fighting. There's no point to it."

He snorted. "Don't tell me. 'We're all the same underneath'."

"Aren't we?"

He wasn't able to answer that.

* * *

_Sore. _The fingers of her left arm visible under the cast were bruised purple and blue, moving only a fraction when she tried to wiggle them - she'd certainly done a good job. Of the attack she didn't remember much, just that she'd been trying to meet up with some of the ZAFT forces when all hell had broken loose. The ZAFT soldiers likely thought she'd lured them into a trap, and there was no telling what had happened to any of her friends. The Colonel - he hadn't given his name, but the rank stripes at least gave him a title - had said they hadn't found anyone else, which was just what she'd hoped for. _Kira-kun told me to run. To get away and not bother trying to protect anyone. But I had to. I'm the one who wanted the meeting...it was my fault they were attacked.. _And she'd ended up being captured, and would probably be... She shook her head, deciding to not think about it. For now, she was safe - he'd said as much.

_You can't trust him though, _she told herself. _Not just because of who he sounds like. _It had been easier when he'd addressed her as a captor would, distant and formal, but his tone when he'd come into his cell to question her had been more conversational, and she'd found it hard to answer him without it feeling as though she were talking with Mwu. She smiled a little. Mwu had helped them all escape the Alliance, now one who sounded like him was taking her back there. There was probably some irony there somewhere. Lying back on the prison cot she tugged the blanket a little further around herself, wincing when the movement aggravated her injuries. Reaching for the bottle of pills he'd given her - odd that he'd trust her with them if they were as strong as he said - and popped the lid to take one. If nothing else, it'd help her sleep.

_I hope you're all okay... _With any luck, they'd be safely back in Orb. Closing her eyes to fight back tears she thought about what they'd be doing now. Erica would be upset, and so would a lot of her friends at Morgenroete, Kira-kun would probably be thinking of a way to rescue her though he had no idea where she was - at least Andrew and Lacus-san were safely at the Terminal base.

_They'll be fine without me._

She was sleeping. Not unexpected if she'd taken one of the painkiller tablets, which were pretty strong, but what _was_ unexpected was the smile on her face. Not one of those half-amused expressions she'd given him (as though she wasn't quite sure what to make of him) but a real and very beautiful smile. How she could smile like that in the situation she was in was anyone's guess, but he couldn't help but admire her for it. The impression that she was tough had been backed up by her Alliance record, which while obviously sketchy after Alaska, had given a decent account of the battles she'd been through. Murrue Ramius (a pretty name), born October 12th, CE 45 in San Francisco, California. She'd graduated near the top of her class at the Academy, but stayed behind in San Diego to teach engineering until being called up from the reserves to take up a post on the experimental battleship _Archangel. _She'd fought ZAFT almost everywhere, from the colony the ship had been made on through to the African desert and even as far as Alliance waters, and judging by a report made by her second-in-command she hadn't exactly done things by the book. While the report's tone was definitely disapproving, he'd been able to pick up on quite a few details that said a lot about this captain and her personality. She was far more compassionate and kind than was necessary - holding a memorial service at Junius Seven's remains, holding a temporary ceasefire with ZAFT to hand over who could have potentially been a very valuable prisoner, diverting course to save a mobile suit on re-entry despite it putting them half a world away from their destination... quite a list, and that was only a fraction of it. Plus she seemed to be something of a lateral thinker, which had gotten her ship out of trouble but clearly irritated her subordinate. _Wonder why that is? I'd be happy to have someone like her on my crew. _Whatever the case, the subordinate had handed over her report, which had resulted in a hearing at headquarters. _And reading the record actually made me angry. _The head honchos had summarily blamed all the bad things that had happened on some kid from the colony and poor leadership. How had it been poor? Sure, she hadn't followed regulations to the letter, but the decisions she _had_ made had done more to save her crew than sticking to the rules would have.

"I shouldn't have judged you," he murmured. "I'm sorry about that."

He wouldn't hand her over just yet. He hadn't even reported to Djibril that they had her, and didn't plan to. Instead he planned to learn more about her and why the Alliance had washed their hands of her and her ship. To hear her own reasons for the things she'd done.

And this time, he wouldn't be so quick to doubt her.


	2. Chapter 2

He was there again. Not moving, not smiling, just standing there outside her cell. Holding a tray of food and a bundle of material, the black uniform making him look like some sort of waiter. The idea was so funny she couldn't help smiling. He regarded her quizzically for a moment before turning to motion the guard to disappear, then punched in the code for the door. Once inside the cell he placed the tray on her lap, tugging off one glove to check her temperature.

"Do I pass?"

He might have smiled, though it was hard to tell with the dim light. "Today, you do. How are you feeling?"

"My arm feels a little better." The bruises had faded slightly, from purple to red, and she was able to move her fingers more. "Ribs still hurt though."

He nodded, replacing the glove. "The doctor said it'd take a few weeks more for those to heal. Though you're not supposed to move about too much."

Murrue raised an eyebrow. "You watch me?"

"I keep an eye on you." he replied matter-of-factly.

"Because I'm a prisoner?"

"Because I don't trust anyone."

That didn't surprise her. Typical Alliance. "Are you afraid of what I'd say to people?"

"More worried of what they'd say or do to _you_. That's why no-one else visits or knows the code for that door." At her probably surprised expression he did smile, just a little. "I said I'd keep you safe, didn't I?"

She didn't quite know what to say to that. True, she'd been surprised that no-one had come to the brig to stare or taunt - aside from the guard the Colonel was the only person she saw, but hadn't considered that he might be keeping everyone away from her. "How many people know I'm actually here?"

He seemed to consider this. "Three? The doctor who patched you up, the guard here, and me."

"Not the Alliance itself?

"No." For some reason he seemed troubled. "Not yet. I wanted to be sure of some things first."

"Oh?"

He moved to perch on the end of the bed. "I wanted to hear why you left. Why you believe the Alliance was the one to destroy the JOSH-A base."

"You believe me?"

"I don't know. There isn't enough proof either way. But you were there."

She nodded, nibbling at a corner of some toast. "My ship and a few others. We were told to 'maintain the defence and adapt to the circumstances'. The circumstances being an entire ZAFT fleet. One of my crewmembers who'd been transferred was on his way back to the ship, and he found that the base was completely empty inside, the computers counting down the minutes until something called 'Cyclops' fired."

He tipped his head to one side. "Cyclops?"

"A weapon that would destroy the base and everything for ten miles around it. I guess it was cutting their losses."

"You managed to escape?"

She smiled. "My crewmember had seen it happen before. He knew what would happen if we didn't get away. We'd fought so hard to get to where we thought we'd be safe, only to find that we weren't important anymore." Aware she must sound bitter she shook her head. "Anyway, we were able to get away in time. After that, Orb was the only place we could go. They'd been good to us before."

"Why did they order you to stay? Where did they go?"

"Panama, I think. The 'why' is because we were somewhat of a liability, not least because of Kira-kun."

He tapped his chin. "The record of the hearing mentioned a kid called Kira.."

Murrue closed her eyes. "A sixteen-year-old boy we took on board at Heliopolis - the colony where my ship was made. He ended up piloting a mobile suit to save us."

"What happened to him?"

She smiled again, fondly. "He's all right. Still on the ship and safely in Orb by now, I hope. He did so much to help us, but he was blamed for everything bad that happened to us just because he was a Coordinator."

"A Coordinator? You had one of them on your ship?"

"That was their reaction too. But he wasn't a soldier until we made him one - he was just a boy."

The Colonel opened his mouth as though to say something then closed it, staring at his feet. He'd probably heard all kinds of propaganda - could she really blame him for not understanding?

_But I can help him. _"I think you'd like Kira-kun."

He looked dubious. "Really?"

"Mmm-hmm." She took a bite of her scrambled eggs. "He's a nice boy."

He scratched his nose under the mask. "Cause of.."

"No. Altering genes might improve reflexes, intelligence, whatever, but they don't change the kind of person you are. Whether Kira-kun was a Coordinator or not, he'd still be the same inside."

"You sound like a teacher." he almost grumbled.

She grinned, popping another bite of food into her mouth. "I _am_ a teacher."

He'd wanted to hear her side of things, and she'd obliged, recounting a story that sounded almost frighteningly believeable. There had been sadness, bitterness there in her eyes - it wasn't just something she'd learned to recite. She'd seen it happen. _She isn't lying. _The thought sent a chill up his spine. If she wasn't lying, then... "I don't suppose you're exaggerating."

Her smile was sympathetic, as though she understood how he felt. "I wish I was."

"Dammit.."

"I'm sorry." Captain Ramius twirled her fork idly. "I didn't mean to make things so difficult."

"My fault for asking."

"You only have my word, and you don't have to believe that."

He smiled a little...she was actually trying to make him feel better. "But you're telling the truth."

"Yes." she replied a little sadly. "Yes, I'm telling the truth."

Deep down, he'd known they were capable of something like that. He'd seen too many soldiers killed, too many ships destroyed - if they thought the ends justified the means, then the higher-ups would give the order. Sacrificed like pawns in a chess game. He and his own ship were no exception. _But she fought it. She escaped, and now she's trying to put an end to it all. _Optimistic, idealistic, and extremely brave. "Has it been worth it?"

She smiled slightly, though the expression was bittersweet this time. "Yes and no. We helped put a stop to things the first time, but we lost people in the process. Like everyone else, I guess."

"But you keep trying."

A definite nod. "For a world everyone can live in, whoever they are. I know it won't happen overnight, however this war ends, but it's possible."

"I see." And he did. It was a nice idea. Though it didn't help her situation any. Tugging off his mask with a sigh he ran a hand through his hair, glancing sideways at her curious look. The only light in her cell came from outside where the guard usually waited, so he doubted she'd be able to see his face. "Hmm?"

"Why do you wear that?"

"To hide the scars."

She shuffled a little closer, breakfast dishes clinking, and squinted in the dim light. "I can't see any. It's too dark."

"I know." Neo replaced the mask. No-one on his ship save one of the doctors had ever seen his face, and he planned to keep it that way. Too many questions he didn't know how to answer.

"Were you in an accident?"

"Mobile suit accident," he replied quietly. "So they tell me, anyway. I don't remember."

"I'm sorry." She placed a gentle hand on his arm for a moment. "I shouldn't have asked."

"It's no bother. Used to it now." Taking the empty tray from her he placed it on the floor, handing her the bundle of clean hospital clothing. "Here. The doctor's coming by in a while to check your cast and change the bandages."

The captain smiled. "Thank you. Want to turn away while I get changed?"

"Huh? Oh, uh...yeah.." Embarrassed (and unused to embarrassment) he turned and stared out at the cell block beyond the bars, shuffling his feet at the rustle of material. Eventually she moved to stand by his side, auburn hair rumpled and smile mischievous.

"All done."

"So I see." Shaking his head to clear it he did his best to assume a commanding pose, unwilling to admit that she'd flustered him, and thankfully she didn't say anything more, just sat back on the edge of the bed and swung her legs.

"Will you stay here?"

"While the doctor's here? Yeah." Noticing her sudden worry he smiled a little. "It's okay. He won't tell anyone you're here. And neither will I."

She seemed surprised at that. "You decided not to?"

"Yeah." Whether she'd told him the truth or not (and he believed she had) he couldn't hand her over. He had too much on his conscience already. "Doubt the Alliance would get much out of you."

She pulled a face. "They never did anyway."

"No, I could see that." At her puzzled look he shrugged. "One of the officers wrote a report about you - I found it when I was checking last week. You weren't exactly a model soldier."

"No, I wasn't. But I always thought there was more to being a good officer than swallowing the rule book and besides, we usually ended up in situations where the rules weren't clear. I did what I felt was right. And we got through everything." She was clearly proud of that, of how much her ship and crew had gone through and survived, and he could understand why.

"You did a good job."

The captain looked up sharply at that, and he smiled and nodded. Why he was reassuring her he had no idea - just being around her was making him act strangely - but it felt like the right thing to say. She smiled back, hesitantly, then to his surprise (and dismay) she began to cry, dark eyes closed as tears slid silently down her cheeks.

"Hey, c'mon.." Unsure of what to do he patted her shoulder, feeling awkward. Reaching behind him he picked up the discarded hospital tunic and passed her it to dry her tears. "Sorry.."

She hiccupped. "It's alright."

_Why would she cry at a compliment? _"I meant it, you know.."

A watery smile. "I know you did. Thank you."

"Why cry, though?"

She rubbed away the last of the tears. "It's good to hear that I did the right thing. That I did a good job. I always had doubts."

And he understood, or thought he did."Didn't anyone say that? Not even your crew?"

"One of them did," she replied softly, lips curving into a fond smile. "I never thanked them enough."

"I doubt they'd have needed it. Not if you saved them."

The smile became wistful, almost sad. "You think so?"

"Course. If it were me, I'd say we were quits. Bet you they think the same."

"Thank you." Hearing the door open she glanced up to see the doctor, thin fingers curled in the tunic so tightly her knuckles turned white.

"It's alright," he murmured. "I'll stay."

* * *

He watched her the whole time. She remained silent and expressionless, staring straight ahead as the doctor unwound the bandages around her chest and gently felt her ribs to check how the fractures were healing. Once satisfied, he brought out a sort of pressure wrap that acted as bandages would, carefully fastening it in place before motioning her to pull down her tunic.

"That should just about do it. Now the cuts are healed you can keep that on all the time."

She nodded, sitting still as he undid the sling to check her cast. Her arm _did_ look better, the bruising a little less, and she obediently wiggled her fingers when asked.

"Good. Just a couple more weeks and we can swap that for a lighter one. You're pretty tough."

_You don't know the half of it.._

"You have a fan," he observed mildly once the doctor had left. The captain just rolled her eyes, brushing at her arm as though trying to rid herself of the touch.

"He gives me the creeps."

"You don't trust him?"

"Not in the least." She fiddled with a lock of auburn hair. "Should I?"

"Probably not."

A little half-smile. "Didn't think so."

For some reason curious he looked back at her. "Do you trust _me_?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I feel as though I can."

"I see." He didn't, really - why anyone, least of all her, would trust him was a mystery - but it felt pretty good. She smiled at that, the expression gentle, and shuffled back on the tiny bed, wincing slightly.

"Still hurts, huh?"

"Not as much."

She was putting a brave face on it and he knew it. The cell was dark and cramped, containing just an uncomfortable cot and toilet - it was intentionally humiliating, and the longer he'd kept her here, the more guilty he'd felt. _She's not a prisoner. Not anymore. _"I'm sorry."

She frowned. "For what?"

"Keeping you in here."

"It's okay. It's really not so bad."

_I figured you'd say something like that. _"I could find somewhere else for you to stay. Somewhere better than this."

She tipped her head to one side. "Why would you do that?"

"Because.." He smiled. "Because I want to."

* * *

He wouldn't tell her where they were going. He'd just shown up that evening the same as always, only instead of a tray of food and a change of clothes he'd simply carried an Alliance uniform jacket, which he'd draped around her shoulders before gesturing silently for her to follow him out of the cell and into the dimmed hallways of the ship. Confused and curious she peeked around her as they walked. bare feet making no sound on the metal deck. Once or twice she'd tried speaking up but he'd shook his head, finger to his lips, and so she'd followed him quietly. _He asked me why I trusted him, and the truth is that I'm not exactly sure. It's just something I feel. _Eventually they stopped outside a nondescript looking door, he entering a complicated code before ushering her into the room beyond.

And she blinked. "This is.."

"Better than a cell, right?"

"Why take this kind of risk, though? If you get found out.."

"I won't. And neither will you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I have to be." She must have still looked worried as he placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay. You'll be fine."

"I don't want you to get punished because of me."

The Colonel studied her for a moment. "You're worried about me."

"Yes, I am."

"Don't be. This is my decision, and I'm sticking with it."

"Even if you regret it?"

"I don't think I will." His tone was earnest, smile small but genuine, and not for the first time she wished she could see his eyes - she felt sure they were kind. Shaking her head in exasperation she smiled.

"Alright then, if you're sure."

"You are stubborn, you know. You think you'll be okay here?"

Murrue glanced around at the room. He'd brought her to what looked like officers' quarters, spacious and comfortable - a big change from the cramped cell. "More than okay. Thank you."

He nodded. "I'll be back in a while."

Once he'd gone (locking her in, but she wouldn't have felt safe if he hadn't) she took the time to explore her surroundings. A small desk with a darkened and probably locked-down workstation, a comfortable-looking bed, an empty closet and, to her delight, a tiny bathroom, which she wasted no time in using. Showering with one arm was awkward, but the wrap the doctor had provided for her ribs was waterproof so with care she was able to wash properly, which was wonderful.

Once dressed she peeked back out into the main cabin, rubbing dark hair dry with a towel, and smiled to see him waiting there, a bowl of something hot on the desk beside him.

"I'm going to end up owing you so much I won't be able to pay it back."

The Colonel smiled himself a little, reaching up to rub his nose under the metal mask. He didn't say anything, but she thought he looked pleased. Crossing the room she sniffed at the bowl. Pasta, in tomato sauce.

"Hungry?"

"Mmm-hmm." She carried the bowl over to the bed and sat down, digging in happily. He watched her quietly for a moment before sidling a little closer, standing in silence. That and his black uniform made him seem like a shadow and she rolled her eyes. "Why are you just standing there?"

"Eh?"

"Standing there watching me. It's weird."

"Is it really?" She thought she heard a trace of a smile in his voice.

"Yes." Taking another forkful of pasta she shuffled up on the bed. "At least sit down."

He did, but didn't look entirely comfortable, staring at white boots and saying nothing while she ate. Until his stomach growled, that is, so loudly it seemed to echo in the room. Murrue tried hard to keep a straight face - it wasn't fair to make fun - but couldn't quite manage it. Hiding the smile with the back of her hand she nodded toward the bowl. "Get some if you want."

"M'okay.." he murmured, sounding horribly embarrassed.

"There's enough for both of us. Here;" She placed the bowl in his lap. "Eat as much as you want."

"Really?"

"Of course."

He scratched at his nose again. "Thanks.." Picking up the fork he began to eat quite quickly, leading her to suspect he'd skipped meals much like she'd used to.

"Busy work, isn't it? Doesn't anyone remind you to eat?"

"Not really."

She shook her head, accepting the now half-empty bowl back. "Then someone should."

"You're volunteering?"

"Why not?"

He smiled. "Alright then."

_You're a good person. I bet your crew is only scared of you because they haven't tried to get to know them, or you haven't let them try. I wonder if anyone's ever treated you normally?_


	3. Chapter 3

She was still sleeping. He was all for placing the bowl of oatmeal he'd brought on the desk and leaving her in peace, but instead he sat carefully on the edge of the bed and watched her a while. Her hair was all in her face but he thought he saw a trace of a smile, and very slowly he reached out to brush the hair away, smiling himself when she murmured something he couldn't make out. Thanks to the shower and some decent sleep she looked much better, the dark circles under her eyes all but gone - moving her here had been a good idea. Plus it made it easier to visit her, something he rather looked forward to - she was so different from everyone else. His rank and position as Djibril's lieutenant meant he remained isolated from his crew, both by choice and design, but she didn't seem to care about that.

"You're brooding again."

"Am I?"

She opened her eyes to peek up at him, dark eyes sleepy but holding that twinkle of amusement (or mischief) that had caught his interest in the first place. "Aren't you?"

"Probably." He gestured to the bowl, placing it on her lap when she sat up. "Sleep well?"

"Mmm-hmm." She ate a little of the oatmeal, glancing up at him through her eyelashes, and he sighed.

"Yes, I've eaten. Been awake a couple of hours already." He'd been on the receiving end of a few raised eyebrows when he'd forgotten to eat - she also being a captain understood how easy it was to lose yourself in work - so made sure to take his meals. At least, before he visited her.

"Good."

"You'd only have made me share yours."

She grinned. "Of course." Shuffling a little closer she swung her legs as she ate - small feet she had, the toenails painted a light pink - and even licked the syrup off the spoon, something he found oddly touching. She was so..._normal_.

"Are you like this at home? On your own ship?"

A little smile. "My crew are good friends. Back home we all made time to see each other, for drinks, to share stories, to go back over old memories.. So yes, I'd like to think that I am."

"You're all friends?"

She nodded. "Most of them still referred to me as 'Captain' even before we decided to fight again, but a few of the younger ones call me by name. We're not exactly military, so it doesn't really matter."

"No, I guess not." If she behaved like this around her crew they were probably pretty fond of her. "They must miss you." _And it's my fault they do. _

"I miss them too. Hopefully they've gone home, or at least gone somewhere safe."

He sighed. "I'm sorry."

The captain smiled. "Why? I'd have been surprised if you _hadn't_ taken me prisoner. I _was _meeting up with ZAFT."

He made a sour face at that. Yes, she had been. He knew she didn't consider ZAFT enemies (he wasn't sure if she considered _anyone_ an enemy) but it was hard for him to understand, especially when they were the ones who went round secretly creating new battleships and mobile suits that outclassed almost anything the Alliance had. He mentioned that to her and she smiled again.

"Turnabout is fair play. My ship and five mobile suits were built on a colony in secret too."

Neo shook his head. "It's not the same."

"Isn't it? Whether a weapon is for defence or offence just depends which side you're on." She scraped up the last of her oatmeal. "Is there any evidence that they were going to use them to attack?"

"The fact that they built them isn't enough?"

She shrugged. "Orb has mobile suits and battleships too, but they were made to defend the country, not to attack others."

"Can't afford to assume."

"No, I know. The benefit of the doubt is nice in principle, but can't be applied to everything. More's the pity."

He nodded, grateful she understood, and decided to change the subject. "What's Orb like?"

A bright smile. "Beautiful. Very green, and very warm in summer. It rains and gets pretty humid too, but I'm almost used to that now."

"What do you do there?"

"Mechanic," she answered cheerfully. "I fix things." Getting up she placed her bowl on the desk, flexing the fingers of her broken arm carefully. "Though I need to fix _myself_ first."

"The doctor said it wasn't a bad break. You should be fine in a couple of weeks." The mechanics part didn't surprise him - her Academy record had mentioned her being an engineer, and quite an accomplished one at that. It made sense she'd keep doing something she enjoyed. "Job or hobby?"

She laughed. "A bit of both. Actually, it feels like a hobby I get paid for."

_Sounds nice.. _He didn't remember if he had any hobbies - flying didn't count - but he probably wouldn't get to explore that. He didn't have the time. _Then again, I shouldn't be taking time out to talk to her, but I want to. _The notion of her being some sort of hobby was a strange one and he shook his head, chuckling softly.

"Now that's nice to hear."

"Hmm?"

She smiled, moving across to sit beside him. "I haven't heard you laugh before."

"Neither has anyone else."

"There probably isn't much to laugh about." She looked up at him, her smile gentle. "But maybe your crew wouldn't be as scared of you if you laughed?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Or they'd be _more_ scared of me because they didn't know what I was laughing about."

"You sound like you _want_ them to be scared of you."

He shrugged. "They're more likely to follow my orders if they are. I can't be friends with them like you are with your crew."

"Why not?"

Neo smiled. It sounded so simple when she said it. Why not be friends with his crew? "Because I'm being watched. I don't know who by - it could be just one person or a lot of them - but they keep an eye on me up on the bridge and in battle to make sure I do as I'm told. If I stepped out of line, I'm pretty sure they'd take it out on my crew."

She frowned. "They don't trust you?"

"They don't trust anyone. Kindness is weakness, something that can be used against you." He knew she wouldn't agree with that, and was proved right when she huffed in annoyance. "It's how they think. I don't want to see my crew punished for something I did."

"Would...they punish them if they found out I was here?"

"They won't find out." Noticing how worried she looked he placed a hand on her shoulder. _She's never met any of my crew, but she's worried about them. _"It's alright."

She nodded a little, a small smile reappearing. "You _are_ kind, though."

"Think so?"

"I do." To his surprise she reached out to take his hand, squeezing gently. "Not just because of what you've done, but because of how you act."

He had to smile at her misplaced faith. _No, I'm not kind. Anything but. _He'd done too much, seen too much, to have any kindness left. The way he acted around her - well, he wasn't able to explain or even understand that. There was just...something about her. "You don't know how I act."

"Why don't you tell me?"

"You wouldn't want to hear it."

She tipped her head to one side, studying him, and he had to force himself to not look away. _It feels like she can see through me.. _"Maybe I would. If it helps."

"It wouldn't." _Because you'd hate me. _Aware of her slightly saddened expression he sighed, glancing down at where she still held his hand. "It's not important."

The captain nodded and smiled a little. "Alright."

* * *

He'd left her some books (apparently they were his) and she spent a few hours reading after her shower. Redressing with one arm was tricky and occasionally painful, but manageable, and she'd washed the hospital pyjamas she'd slept in and set them in front of the room's heater. A strange life, but one she was gradually getting used to despite the odd moments of loneliness. Her only contact with anyone was with the masked Colonel, the man who sounded so much like Mwu. He visited her, brought her meals, had even moved her from the brig to this cabin so she'd be more comfortable. He'd become a friend to her and, she thought, she was a friend to him. He seemed to confide in her, tell her things he wouldn't tell anyone else. _He said he doesn't trust anyone, but I think he might trust me. Just a little._

When she fell asleep she wasn't sure, but she woke to the sensation of warmth in her right hand. Opening her eyes ever so slightly she saw him sitting there on the side of her bed, holding her hand in his ungloved one. Not sure of the reasons behind it but liking it all the same, she didn't let on she was awake, just lay there and watched him awhile. Though it was hard to tell underneath the mask he looked to be deep in thought, his other hand curled in the fabric of his jacket - probably brooding again. After a moment he made as though to replace his glove but she held onto his hand with a smile.

"There's nothing wrong with your hands."

He didn't seem surprised that she was awake. "No, I know. Just used to the gloves."

Sitting up with an effort Murrue examined the hand, brushing fingertips over hard skin and callouses. "Pilot's hands."

He nodded. "Though I don't get to fly as much as I'd like to. Too much to do here."

"Pilots never like to be grounded."

A crooked grin. "I hate it. Stuck watching from a distance. Or doing paperwork. You ever fly?"

She laughed. "No. I just taught people how to fix the stuff pilots broke."

"Ouch. We don't _all_ wreck stuff.."

"You're telling me you never crashed or had to bail out?"

"Probably. I must have gotten these scars from somewhere..."

_The accident.. _"No memories of before it happened?"

"They said that I'd remember eventually, but it's been two years and there's still nothing." Clearly noticing her concern he shook his head. "It's alright. Used to it now."

"You never wonder where you were before? Where you grew up? You might have family somewhere.."

He smiled, squeezing her hand. "Maybe. But if I did, I doubt they'd want to know me. Not now."

Murrue shuffled closer. "_I _would."

He sighed. "That's because you still think I'm a good person."

"You are."

"Too many people would disagree with you. Including me." He sounded oddly resigned to that, tone matter-of-fact - he disliked himself therefore expected everyone else to dislike him. Halfway between annoyed and sympathetic she gazed at him a while, wondering how to help, and eventually settled for just sitting close, which he did seem to appreciate.

"You need a friend."

She thought she heard a laugh. "Do I?"

"Yes. And you have one."

He regarded her for a moment, expression unreadable, then nodded. "I know. Thank you."

She wanted to tease him for being so serious, but then realised he probably wasn't used to friendship. _He's lonely. He's never mentioned it, but he must be lonely. _That was a feeling she understood all too well. Glancing down at where he still held onto her hand she smiled.

"Why did you?"

"Why did I what?"

"Hold my hand when I was sleeping."

"I don't know," he admitted. "I just wanted to. Is that bad?"

"No, it's not bad at all. It just surprised me."

He nodded, rubbing at his nose under the mask. It was something she'd seen him do quite a lot, especially when he was distracted or deep in thought - it was probably a habit. "Does it bother you?"

"Hmm?"

Letting go of his hand she reached up and touched the bridge of his nose a little way under the red-and-silver helmet, easily able to feel the raised skin of a scar. He all but froze, which made her smile. "Has anyone ever seen it?"

"Doctors."

"Is it alright if _I_ see it?"

"Why?"

"Because you don't need to hide yourself. Not from me." When he still looked unsure she sighed. "Who am I going to tell?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Because we're friends, aren't we?" Before he could decide either way she caught hold of the rim of the mask and gently removed it, laying it on the bed beside her. He had his eyes closed, brows knitted - he was almost wincing, perhaps worried about what she might think, but although the scar across his nose and cheekbone was certainly nasty, she was more interested in the face he'd kept hidden. It was a tired face, boyish features drawn and a little sad, but handsome, and also strikingly familiar. Murrue smiled, and without really meaning to brushed fingertips across his cheek. Rather cautiously he opened one eye to check her reaction and, as she'd half-expected, it was bright blue.

"What are you screwing your face up for?"

He blinked. "Eh?"

"The scar's not bad. Not bad enough to need to screw your nose up, and certainly not enough to need to hide it under a mask."

"Really?" He poked at the injury, expression dubious.

"Of course, really." She set the mask on her lap and traced the red trim. "I wonder if it was for another reason.."

The Colonel frowned slightly. "What reason?"

_Because people would recognise you.. _"Maybe to intimidate people? If all they see are glass eyes looking back at them.."

"I guess.." He poked idly at the metal object. "But it didn't intimidate _you_."

She smiled. "Because you're not giving me orders."

A raised eyebrow. "I get the feeling that even if I was, you still wouldn't be scared."

"And I don't think you'd like it if I was."

He seemed to consider that. "No, I don't think that I would." Getting up he moved over to the desk, picking up a tray she hadn't noticed. It held a plate with two large sandwiches and two mugs of coffee, something which made her smile.

"Are we eating together?"

"May as well. Least this way you know I've eaten."

She laughed. "That's true. And you won't have to share mine."

The Colonel actually pulled a face, something she'd never seen from him before, and took a huge bite from his sandwich. Folding her legs under her she nibbled at her own lunch, sneaking peeks up at him every so often. _I had a feeling.. _His voice, the colour of his hair, even the callouses on his fingers - her imagination had filled in the blanks, but even then she'd been surprised. _How can you be here? Why don't you remember? Why didn't I look for you? _Staring at her plate she almost jumped when she felt a gentle touch to her face. He smiled apologetically, showing her the tears on his fingers - she hadn't even realised she was crying. Reaching up with her good arm she rubbed away the rest of the tears, offering what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

"I'm alright."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

He hadn't wanted to take off the mask. It wasn't that he was worried about what she'd think - he knew she wouldn't judge him on a scar despite what the doctors had told him. No, it was more to do with the fact that after so long, he was just used to wearing it. He could hide everything behind it, worries, anger, regret, and no-one could see. Or at least, no-one _had. _Glancing sideways at her he wasn't surprised to see her looking right back, that little smile on her face.

"Am I so interesting?"

She crinkled her nose, probably due to his tone. "It's just seeing you without the mask on. If it makes you uncomfortable, then I'll stop."

"Got stared at enough back in hospital."

"I'm sorry."

Neo sighed. "No, I am. Didn't mean to snap."

She nodded with an understanding smile, taking another bite of her sandwich.

"Do I look bad?"

"Hmm?"

He tapped his nose. "The scar. Does it look bad?"

"No." Stretching out her hand she brushed a fingertip across the old injury, that smile quirking again when he shivered. "That tickles?"

He shook his head. It didn't _tickle_, exactly. The doctor's examination of the scar was usually a cursory job, brisk and clinical and he was used to that. Her touch was something altogether different, gentle and careful and he smiled himself, closing his eyes. "What does it feel like?"

"Different." she replied softly. "But not bad."

He nodded, somehow pleased. "Captain?"

Soft laughter. "You're the captain here, not me."

"Just trying to be polite. Ramius-san, then."

She smiled. "That'll work. But what do I call _you_? I never caught your name."

He blinked, then shook his head with a chuckle. "That's true. My name is Neo. Neo Lorrnoke."

"What did you want to ask me?"

"How do you find being captain?"

She pursed her lips. "Different things at different times. Tiring, mind-numbingly boring, stress-inducing and terrifying. But not impossible if you have a good crew and maybe a little help sometimes."

"I have a good crew," he admitted. "I don't have much in the way of help, though."

"Not a second-in-command who can share paperwork?"

Neo pointed upwards. "I left him up in space. In truth I'm glad of it - I always suspected he was one of my observers. It makes things tougher on me, but it's one less pair of eyes."

"Mine used to watch me too." Setting down the empty sandwich plate she wiggled her fingers in the cast a little more. "She was a real soldier, a stickler for rules and regulations, and I don't think she much liked the way I did things. We ended up on opposite sides in the end, but I never stopped thinking of her as a friend."

"Even after she wrote that report about you?"

Ramius-san grinned. "It's not like what she wrote wasn't true. I wasn't a real soldier - I never have been. No, I never blamed her for that, even when others did."

"Did she help with the work?"

"Under sufferance, I think. Most of my help came from my senior pilot, and he became my second-in-command when the first was transferred at Alaska."

"Don't remember seeing him mentioned."

"He was there, though. I guess the Alliance didn't want it on record - he was pretty well-known. Famous, even, though he never liked people talking about it. I think it embarrassed him." Her smile became gentle, fond. "He could never help being the hero, though."

And Neo thought he understood. This pilot had been somehow special to her, a best friend or perhaps a lover. It was also telling that she spoke of him in the past tense. _Something happened to him. _"Did the Alliance kill him?"

Ramius-san flinched.

"This is about revenge, then?"

"No." Sounding suddenly tired, sad, she reached up to scrub at her eyes, and he realised to his consternation that he'd made her cry. "I killed the one who killed him, and I always regretted it. She had a family, friends who miss her, and in the end it didn't bring him back."

"I'm sorry."

That same smile. "It's alright. It's getting easier now." Reaching up she brushed a stray lock of hair from his face, the gesture making him shiver. "Thank you."

_I don't know for sure, but I'd guess that he died saving her life. _He'd read and heard stories of that and always found it melodramatic. Unprofessional. A soldier fought and died for their country, not for just one person. And yet, looking at her and talking to her, he thought that maybe he could understand why someone would want so badly to save her.

_She just might be worth it._


	4. Chapter 4

He was waiting for her. Hair wrapped up in a towel after her shower she leaned on the bathroom doorframe and watched him a while, lips curved in a fond smile. He was sitting there on her bed, mask and gloves discarded and hadn't noticed her, attention taken up by a large bowl of oatmeal. He'd been doing this more often recently, taking his meals in her room and spending more time with her than previously. Not that she minded. He was good company, kind and despite the things he'd been made to do, good-natured. Every day she spent with him he seemed to come more out of his shell - a shell she suspected he'd created for himself. _He seems less lonely, which I'm glad for. When I first met him he was barely civil and never smiled, but I think I've done a good job._

She must have made some noise as he looked up from his bowl, expression halfway between sheepish and amused.

"Good morning. Sorry I started without you."

"That's all right. If you were hungry."

He scratched at the scar on his nose with the end of his spoon. "Still.."

"Really. It's okay." Removing the towel she combed out her hair with her fingers before taking her own bowl of oatmeal and sitting beside him. "How are things this morning?"

"Alright, I guess." He never told her about his day, never told her anything that happened outside the four walls of the cabin. Almost total isolation, but she knew that it was his way of keeping her safe. _I worry that he's risking too much. That it'd be easier for him if he just handed me over. But I think that what he's doing is as much for himself as it is for me. His way of rebelling. _She took a spoonful of her oatmeal, wiggling toes happily.

"How's your arm?"

"Much better." The doctor had fitted her with a more lightweight cast earlier that week, pronouncing the arm almost healed, though apparently her ribs would take a little while longer. She'd sat there nervously on the bed in sickbay, borrowed Alliance uniform jacket around her shoulders, while he'd stood there masked and silent in the corner. The doctor had never looked at him, never even acknowledged him, and Lorrnoke-san had seemed to prefer it that way. He hadn't spoken a word to her or anyone else till they were back in her cabin, then apologised if he'd come across as rude. _He admitted that he never talks to anyone aside from the pilots he's in charge of unless he's giving orders, and it's a shame. He's a good person, and only a few people know it. _

"I can't stay long this morning."

"Oh?"

He made a face, scraping up the last of his breakfast. "A lot of stuff to do today, all boring and probably unpleasant, but if I work at it I should be done by lunchtime.."

"I see." She sipped the coffee he'd brought her, trying to hide her concern. He worked himself very hard, doing a whole ship's worth of paperwork and reports with no help, and he didn't pace himself judging by how tired he seemed when he visited in the evenings.

"I'll take breaks," he said as though she'd spoken aloud. "But the sooner I get started the sooner I'll be finished." To her surprise he reached out and poked her nose. "Don't worry."

Murrue smiled. "I won't." Picking up the mask she set it back on his head at an angle, having to stifle laughter when he almost pouted. "Have a good day."

"Doubt I will."

"You never know." Taking his empty bowl she set it on the desk, standing on her tiptoes to brush a kiss to his cheek. "Maybe that'll help."

He said nothing for a moment, seemingly frozen to the spot, then tugged off his mask to run a hand through his hair. He looked embarrassed but quite pleased, a faint ruddy tint to his cheeks, and shot her a smile before replacing the mask and leaving the room. And she grinned. A spur of the moment idea, but one he'd clearly appreciated. _I don't have the words to thank him for everything he's done, but sometimes actions can speak louder.._

_

* * *

_

He whistled to himself as he worked - something he didn't remember ever doing before. Then again, he didn't remember ever feeling this way before. Confused, certainly, but also sort of warm, and he had a feeling he knew why. Tapping his pen against the stack of reports he smiled a little, glancing sideways at the mask sitting on his desk. _It's her. _Always somehow more than a prisoner, in the weeks since she'd begun living in that cabin - beside his, but he'd never tell her - she'd become a friend. He could go into her room, take off that mask and tell her about his day and she'd listen, curled up on her bed wearing that gentle smile. _But I never tell her. What goes on around here, on this ship and with me, she doesn't need to know about. I want her to stay as she is. _Nodding, he signed his name to another report, sure he'd made the right decision.

Hearing a beeping from his computer he glanced up to see he had an incoming call. Heart sinking, knowing who it would be, he pressed a button to answer before returning his attention to his work.

_"Hello, Neo." _The oily voice sent a shiver through him like always and he fidgeted, always feeling itchy when that man spoke to him. _"Sound only again? Anyone would think you didn't want to talk to me."_

"I have a lot of work," he answered as mildly as he could. "Things are going okay here, anyway." He'd always hated these reports, and especially so in the last few weeks, keeping the call on audio only so Djibril would have a harder time spotting things Neo didn't want him to see. Like the smile. _If he knew, if he found out, he'd make me hand her over. And he'd kill her, and probably make me watch. _But that wouldn't happen. He wouldn't allow it to.

_"You're being redeployed,"_

"To where?"

_"Russia."_ was the almost cheerful reply. _"There's a present waiting for you there."_

Neo raised an eyebrow, but decided not to ask any questions. The other man laughed, the sound reminiscent of a snake's hissing. _"You see, I have a problem. It's just a little problem right now, but if it's not nipped in the bud it could become very troublesome later. My present will help you solve it for me."_

That didn't sound too good. "Where in Russia?"

_"Up in the steppes. You'll receive new orders after that."_

"Yes, sir." The screen went dead and he sighed, both in trepidation and more than a little relief. Sending a message to the bridge he outlined their new orders, leaning back in his chair and staring at the ceiling. The ZAFT ship would almost certainly notice their change of course and perhaps follow - and he actually welcomed it. _Maybe they'll stop us before we get there. _

His work wasn't quite finished, but despite that he picked up two sandwiches and made his way to the room beside his. He wanted to knock, but knew he couldn't draw attention to himself, so tapped in the code and entered the room, bad day becoming better with her smile.

"Were you able to finish?"

"Not quite," he admitted, setting the plate, mask and gloves on the desk. "But almost."

She hopped off the bed and moved close, dark eyes looking him over until he fidgeted. "You look tired."

"Lot of work."

Ramius-san shook her head. "Not that. Tired _here_." She patted his shoulders. "Did something bad happen?"

He opened his mouth to deny it, then sighed. "Kinda, yeah. Got orders that don't sound good. But you'll be okay here."

"Will _you_ be okay?"

"Yeah. I get a lot of orders I don't like. Don't have much choice, though." He shrugged, giving her a small smile. "Don't worry."

She shook her head again then, to his surprise, hugged him. Taken aback for a moment he stood almost frozen, unsure of how to react. She seemed to understand, thin shoulders shaking as though she were laughing at him, but when she looked up there was just the same smile as always, gentle, kind, and faintly mischievous if you knew where to look. Reaching up he ran a hand over her hair much as he would with Stellar, feeling the silky strands beneath his fingers and finally leaned in close, winding his other arm around her waist. She felt good, warm and somehow comforting, which had probably been intended.

"Ramius-san?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

This time she did laugh. "Was it that bad?"

"No.." Try 'unexpected'. They were friends, yes (he'd grown fond of her), but even a friendly kiss had been enough to catch him off guard. He still wasn't used to being treated this way. But.. "No, it wasn't bad at all."

"Glad to hear it." She reached up to brush a fingertip over his scar, giggling when the gentle touch made him shiver. "You always do that."

_Is it any wonder? _"Do I?"

She nodded. "It doesn't hurt, does it?"

"No. Not anymore."

A smile. "That's good." She ran a finger over the scar again a little slower - then blinked in surprise when he caught her hand. Her eyes were wide but not afraid, even though his grip was tight.

"Don't."

Ramius-san nodded silently and he let her go. She said nothing after that, just walked to find the sandwich he'd left on the desk and carried it to her bed, sitting down and beginning to eat quietly. And he couldn't look at her. Fond of her he was, fonder than he had any right to be - the only thing he could do was try and put some distance between them. _I knew having her here would cause trouble. I just didn't expect it to be this kind._ Leaning against the desk he ran a hand through his hair. But if this was for the best, why did he feel like such a jerk?

Her sandwich didn't taste of anything. Chewing slowly she stared at the deck, wondering why she felt sad. She was a prisoner, wasn't she? Lorrnoke-san had been kind to her, but he was still an Alliance soldier. It made sense that he'd act this way. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

She smiled a little. "Forgot where I was. What I was."

He sighed. "You're not a prisoner. This, here," He waved a hand around them. "This isn't meant to be a prison. I wish there was some way to let you go outside, but I can't take the risk that someone might see you and realise that you're not part of the crew and besides," He smiled, just a little. "We're in the Baltic Sea, in the middle of winter."

"Below freezing."

"Well below."

She nodded thoughtfully. "I see. But if I'm not a prisoner, then.."

"We haven't been anywhere safe enough for me to let you go. Eurasia's safer than the rest of the Alliance, so when we get to a quiet enough port I'll give it a try. I just.." He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't want you to get hurt. Plus, I've...gotten used to you being here."

Murrue smiled at that. "Oh?"

He rubbed at the scar on his nose, a sure sign that he was embarrassed. "Not making it easy for me, are you?" Wandering over he sat down heavily on the edge of the bunk. "I'm sorry I was short with you before. I just thought some distance might be a good idea."

"Why?"

Lorrnoke-san opened his mouth to answer...then closed it again, looking puzzled. "I.."

She set her plate aside and shuffled closer. "Let me see if I can guess. You're not used to people acting this way around you. You think that you might like it, but it also makes you uncomfortable because you're not sure how to react to it. So you back off. How did I do?"

He blinked. "Wow."

"Does that mean I'm right?"

"That means you might be psychic.."

She grinned and took another bite of her sandwich. _You haven't changed. _"So what do you want to do?"

The blonde man tapped his chin, eyes faraway for a moment, then nodded, reaching out to take her hand. He actually looked pretty shy about it, smile sheepish, and rubbed his nose again, staring at his lap. Hiding her own smile she squeezed his hand gently. "Is that your answer?"

"M'not good with words," he admitted. "So yeah.."

"Alright." Shuffling a little closer she kissed his cheek. "Thank you."

He nodded and leaned down to kiss her properly, other hand reaching to tangle in her hair. It was just a light kiss - he'd probably have pulled away if she'd resisted - but he clearly liked it, scarred face lit in a broad, sunny smile she remembered well.

"Thank you."

"Better than keeping your distance?"

"Yeah."

"Not uncomfortable?"

"Not at all."

She leaned forward to kiss him again. "Good."


	5. Chapter 5

"Gin."

He blinked, stared at his own cards, then sighed, broad shoulders slumping. "Again?"

"Sorry.." She held up the three sets of three with an apologetic smile. "Just lucky, I think."

Setting down the (useless) cards Neo leaned back against the wall. "No cards up your sleeves?"

She flapped the sleeves of the white cotton pyjamas. "Nope. Couldn't if I wanted to."

"Then I'm just unlucky," he remarked glumly. "Probably always have been."

"How would you know that?"

"I.." He grinned. "Good point."

"You've never remembered anything? Not even a little?" Sweeping the cards together into a pile she scooched up to sit beside him.

"Not even a little."

Ramius-san tapped her chin. "What's the very first thing that you remember?"

"Waking up in a hospital on an Alliance base in Iceland. They said that my mobile suit had been blown up and they found me in the wreckage. The nurses there were okay with me, though they kept scolding me for trying to walk. I got given a file with some information about myself - name, birthdate, blood type, that sort of thing - but didn't learn or remember anything more. Then I met _him_."

"Him?"

A rueful smile. "Djibril. He said that all the surgery and recovery time had been paid for by him and his organisation, and that to pay them back I had to become his soldier. His 'shadow', as he put it. He said he'd give me a ship and a crew, but that if I ever put a toe out of line, I'd know about it. And that's how things have been ever since."

She nodded, expression sympathetic. "They took advantage of you. They're still doing it."

"Not much I can do about it."

"No, I guess not. I wish I could help."

He ruffled her hair, smiling when she peeked up at him through messy auburn. "You do. Believe me." _Just you being here is enough. _Holding out an arm he let her cuddle close, kissing the top of her head. _It's getting to the point where I'm starting to look for excuses to keep her here. And I can't do that. She deserves better than to be locked away like this. All the same... _Feeling a gentle touch to his hand he glanced down to see she'd taken it in hers, examining the dry skin and callouses carefully. _When you enjoy spending time with someone so much, it's difficult to give it up. _And he couldn't go back to the way he'd been. Buttoned up tight, masked and gloved, hidden away from the world. Looking down at himself he smiled. Everything that had hidden him was discarded here. Mask and gloves sat on the desk with jacket hanging over the chair...even his boots and socks had been removed. No-one else on this ship ever had, or ever would, see him like this.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing important."

"Oh?" She shuffled a little closer to rest her head on his shoulder. "It _looked_ important."

"Then maybe it was."

Ramius-san grumbled. "You never give me a straight answer."

"Probably not." She thumped his arm. "Okay, okay. It really wasn't important. I was just daydreaming. Been doing that a lot recently."

A gentle smile. "About what?"

"Stuff," he answered evasively. "Boring stuff."

"Really?"

"Mmm-hmm." Stretching out he wiggled his toes. "Very boring. You wouldn't be interested at all."

"Try me."

He leaned back against the wall, skimming a hand up and down her arm until she closed her eyes with a happy murmur. They'd gotten a little closer in the last few days, comfortable enough with each other to sit curled up on the bed and talk, she telling him stories of her ship and the country she called home. _And I'm always jealous.. _Her life sounded peaceful, happy - something he'd never known. "Was about how different things are now."

"They are, aren't they? But it's nice."

"Except that I can't concentrate on my work anymore.."

"Being taken away from work isn't bad sometimes." she mused. "I used to get kidnapped a lot.."

"By your pilot?"

She glanced up at him, surprise evident in dark eyes, but nodded. "Yes."

"What was he like?"

"He was an idiot."

Neo raised an eyebrow.

"Well, he could be sometimes, as well as stubborn and frustrating. But.." She smiled, the expression so full of affection and memories Neo had to look away. "He was kind and brave, and funny - I'd never met anyone like him."

"He saved you, didn't he? That's how.." _How he died. _He'd guessed a while back that her pilot had died protecting her, and though the idea was still strange to him he did understand it. _The risks I'm taking here with her aren't much different, and I'll be taking more to help her escape. _Seeing how downcast she looked he stroked her hair. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

"It was my fault."

"What was?"

"That he had to do something like that. I wasn't a good enough captain. If I hadn't been careless.."

"Careless? Weren't you outnumbered?"

She shook her head. "Just one ship, commanded by someone who I'd considered a friend. The one who wrote that report." Neo made a face at that. He'd looked up the woman, learned of her proper military background and top marks in battle strategy as compared to Ramius-san's engineering studies and one course in officer training. _And she was still a better captain than the other would have been.. _

"I'm sure he didn't blame you."

A little smile. "I know that. Hard to not blame myself, though."

"And you've been doing that all this time."

She nodded. "I thought that if I'd done things differently, done them right, we could both have seen what peace was like. But perhaps it's easier this way."

"Easier?"

"For him. Being a soldier was all he knew - he didn't have any family. I don't know how he'd have coped with peace."

"It isn't easier for _you_, though." Her acceptance of it all, especially conviction of her guilt both confused and irritated him. If _he'd _done that for her, he certainly wouldn't have been angry or have blamed her for it. "He didn't do it because you were careless or thought you couldn't look after yourself, he did it because he wanted to. Because you were important to him."

Ramius-san blinked. "How do you know?"

"I don't. But that's why _I'd_ do it."

"I see." She smiled, evidently reassured at least a little, and even laughed when he lifted her to sit on his lap. "You are a little like him."

"Am I?"

A nod, she reaching to brush fingertips across his face. "I thought that when I first talked to you properly. The same sort of kindness, the same sort of loneliness. Though you're quieter and more serious than he was."

"Is that why.."

She shook her head, expression faintly scolding. "No, that isn't why. If I thought I felt the way I did just because you were like him I'd keep my distance. It wouldn't be fair on either of us."

Neo smiled. "And how do you feel?"

"I.." She rubbed at her nose, cheeks tinged pink, then gestured to how close they were sitting. "How do you think?"

"I'm glad." He kissed her gently, chuckling when he felt fingers curling in his hair. Wanting to test things he nibbled at her lower lip, pulling her closer when she accepted. _I can't explain it. Why she means so much to me, why I'd risk all I have to keep her safe, none of it. But.. _He skimmed a hand up her back to tangle it in auburn hair. It didn't matter. When they broke for air he smiled, brushing more kisses to her forehead and cheeks. "How was that?"

She laughed, resting her head against his chest. "That was nice. Is that how _you_ feel?"

"It is. Is that alright?"

A nod.

"You're okay like that? Ribs not hurt?"

"M'okay.." Closing her eyes she leaned against him with a contented sigh, smiling when he wound arms around her. "How long can you stay?"

"Couple more hours."

She made a face at that.

"Not long enough, huh?" Not that he disagreed - he'd stay with her all the time if he could. It was more than just an escape from his life now. Instead it felt more like his life was here, with the military interfering every so often. It was a dangerous situation, yet he wasn't able to keep away from her. _And it'd hurt us both if I tried.. _"I think so too. You could always come stay in my room for a while."

She raised an eyebrow. "And no-one would find me there? Your room isn't searched?"

"It hasn't been so far. I set traps every time I leave to make sure. Hair across the door, inside the drawers, that sort of thing. I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think you'd be safe there."

"I know. I just.."

"If you want to stay here, that's fine. The suggestion was more for my benefit - so I could see you whenever I wanted. But if you feel safer here, I won't argue."

She nodded and stretched out with a happy sigh - which quickly became laughter when he tickled her gently. "Stop it!" He paid her no mind, easily catching both of her small hands in one of his when she tried to swat him away, keeping up the attention until she was bright pink from laughing. When he finally let her go she crinkled her nose and pushed him down onto the mattress, she tickling him mercilessly to cause shouts of laughter. She seemed to know exactly where he was most ticklish, only stopping when he was breathless before sitting back with a triumphant little smile. "Serves you right."

"Does it?" Idly he reached up to trace patterns on her stomach through the thin fabric of her tunic, ego boosted instantly when she bit her lip, dark eyes fluttering closed. He'd dreamed of her for the past week, the images forcing him to take cold showers, but an overactive imagination didn't become reality just through hope. All the same.. Sneaking a hand under the tunic he ran a finger along the hem of the wrap around her ribs, grinning when she murmured something he couldn't make out. After a moment she opened her eyes to gaze down at him, expression halfway between amusement and affection.

"Was that supposed to tickle?"

"No. Did it?"

She smiled. "No."

"Good."

* * *

He was laughing at her. He was doing his best to hide it but she could see it clearly, blue eyes twinkling and lips twitching at the corners. Raising an eyebrow she stared him down, but that only seemed to amuse him more.

"Do I look funny?"

"You look beautiful," he replied, the honesty in his tone causing a blush for no reason she could think of. "More so when you're all embarrassed." Sitting up he wound an arm around her waist, smile becoming gentle, and leaned in to kiss her lightly before moving downwards to her neck and shoulders. Surprised but somehow not alarmed Murrue watched him through half-open eyes, smiling herself a little when he stroked her back underneath the tunic. His attention caused a reaction she couldn't hide and which he quickly noticed, dusting more kisses and chuckling softly when she couldn't quite stifle a gasp. "It's alright.."

"I.."

He raised his head to look at her, smile so full of affection she blushed again. "Am I going too far?"

Murrue didn't know how to answer at first. It was flattering - very flattering - to know someone felt that way about you. And she'd be lying if she said she hadn't dreamt about it. But.. Running a fingertip along his scar she smiled when he closed his eyes with a happy sigh. _If I let this happen, would you be angry with me if you ever remembered yourself?_

"Are you worried about what your pilot would think?"

Always more perceptive than he let on. "A little."

Lorrnoke-san nodded, leaning in to touch his forehead to hers. "I understand. You were probably told he'd want you to be happy, and I'm sure he would. If _I_ were him I would, though I'd maybe feel a little sad that I hadn't been able to stay with you. I.." He broke off as he saw her tears. "I'm sorry. It wasn't meant to.."

"No, I know.." She rubbed away the tears with the hem of her tunic. "It's okay.." _Was it just words? Or was that really how Mwu felt about it? _He'd never gone into detail about it - she'd never let him, not wanting to think about what would happen if she ever lost him. More tears escaping she fumbled with her tunic, but he caught her hand and moved to kiss them away, murmuring comforting words before holding her close to let her calm down.

"There we go.."

Murrue smiled and held onto him, listening to the steady heartbeat, convinced now more than ever of his identity. _I guess feelings are harder to lose than memories.. _"I told you that you were kind.."

"You knew better than me." He sounded almost glum. "I get the feeling you always will."

"Mmm-hmm." Sitting up again she kissed him, smiling when he returned it with such passion it made her toes curl. She felt him tug at the hem of her tunic and giggled, breaking the kiss briefly to let him remove the garment.

"You_ are_ beautiful.." Breaking the kiss he gazed at her, abject appreciation causing another blush. Without another word he began to trace patterns and kisses again, whispered words against her skin until she was almost dizzy with feeling. Wanting some measure of payback she gestured for him to take off his T-shirt, frowning when he refused.

"It's not pretty."

"I don't care."

He tapped his nose. "This isn't the only scar I have, you know."

"Do you really think that'd change my mind?" Without waiting for further permission she pulled off the T-shirt. There were scars, just as he'd said, raised skin shining in the dim light, but they weren't ugly to her. Pushing him gently to lean against the wall she explored the injuries, tracing the map with fingers and kisses. He shivered, blue eyes closing, and even smiled. "It feels good?"

"It does. I didn't expect that.."

"Good." Pulling him back up she peeked over at his back. The scars there were a little bigger - his back had clearly borne the brunt of the explosion - but evidently just as sensitive given his hiss at her attention. Leaning back she smiled down at him, her own eyes fluttering closed when he ran a hand over her stomach.

"Be better if you didn't have that corset on.."

"Probably."

"C'mere." Arm around her waist again he brought her close to rest her head on his shoulder. His feelings were obvious, either as a result of her explorations or something more, and sent a shiver of anticipation through her. Without really meaning to she squirmed, causing him to groan softly. "Quit that.."

"But.."

A breathless laugh. "Let me enjoy this a bit longer.." He brushed a hand over her stomach again, this time the hand dipping below the waistband of the pyjamas. Murrue bit her lip, squeezing eyes closed, but almost as soon as he'd started he stopped, shaking his head with a sigh. Confused (and disappointed) she looked down at him, only to smile when he lifted her off his lap to lie her on the bed. "Sorry.."

"For what?"

He tugged the blanket over them and leaned down to kiss her. "That I can't stay as long as I want to.." Fumbling with remaining clothing he smiled, that same affection in his eyes. "An hour and a half isn't enough."

She reached up with her good arm to bring him closer. "It might be.."

He was dozing, but opened his eyes with a smile when she kissed him. "Sorry. M'not s'posed to sleep, am I?"

"I don't want you to get in trouble."

"S'not that. I don't want you to be found." He ran the back of his hand over her cheek. "I don't care what happens to _me_.."

"I do."

Another smile. "I know you do. And that means a lot.." He sighed, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. "M'not sure if this was a good idea.."

"Oh?"

He glanced back at her. "How am I ever going to be able to let you go now?"

"You don't.."

"No, I do." Reaching out he brought her close, letting her tuck her head into the crook of his neck. "The longer you're here, the bigger the risk is that you're found. And even if not, this is no place for you."

"I don't mind it." _Not anymore. _

"But _I _do. You don't deserve to be locked away like this. Once we get to a safe port, or as safe a one as I can find, you have to go. Your own ship's not far behind us."

"But I.."

"Murrue, listen to me. I'm not able to protect anyone on this ship. Let me do something right for a change."

She smiled, reaching up to brush tears away. "I wish you could come with me."

"So do I. I think that we'd be okay together." Sitting up he reached for his T-shirt. "I'll make you a promise, okay? I'll find you. However long it takes."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Good." Leaning in close he kissed her. "Sleep well."

"I.." Shaking her head she smiled. "You too."

He grinned, the expression as cocky as she remembered, and reached for his helmet and jacket. "You'll dream of me."

And she did.


	6. Chapter 6

At first she didn't know what had woken her. Reaching up she rubbed at an eye with her good hand, blinking back sleep until she was able to focus on the man sitting on the bed. Knowing who it would be she smiled, murmuring happily when he stroked her cheek. "I think you're early."

"I am," he admitted quietly, leaning down to kiss her. "But I have to be. There'll be no time later."

"There won't?"

"No. Here, c'mon," Winding an arm around her he helped her sit up. "I need you to get dressed in this." He laid a bundle of material - an Alliance uniform - on her lap, along with a fur-trimmed winter jacket.

"Have I been drafted?"

Neo poked her nose. "If I thought I could, I'd try it. But since I can't, I'll have to pretend. But we have to hurry."

She pulled the standard issue T-shirt over her tunic, swinging legs out of bed to remove the pyjamas. "Hurry to where?"

"My team and I are leaving for the Steppes in a couple of hours, and I don't know when we'll be back on the ship or even if we will be. We're to pick something up and head back for Western Eurasia, so I figured that if you didn't mind hiding out for a while I could let you out there."

"Are you sure that'll be okay?"

"I'll make it okay. Don't worry."

She frowned a little but nodded, rolling on grey stockings. Like always, there was something he wasn't telling her, and while she knew it was for her protection it still irked her.

"Trust me."

"You know I do." Halfway through buttoning up the skirt she glanced at him, irritation fading to sympathy when she saw how tired and pale he was. "And you haven't slept."

"I'll take a nap on the way. Haven't had time."

"Where do I hide?"

"In my mobile suit. It won't be very comfortable, I know, but it's the only place that'll be completely safe. If I give the order, no-one will touch it."

"I.."

He smiled a little, helping her get her left arm through the jacket sleeve. "I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could take you back to your ship myself. After the stories I've heard of Orb and your friends I'd be tempted to stay there."

"You could, you know. You'd be welcome."

"No, I wouldn't. Not with the things I've done." Before she could speak he shook his head. "And yes, it does matter."

"Not to me."

"Only because I haven't told you about them."

Murrue sighed, slipping on the boots and letting him help her to her feet. She'd never asked and he'd never told - it was taken as read that she understood the kinds of things he'd done with the Alliance. _The things he was __**made**__ to do. He can't see the difference, though. _And as long as he stayed here on this ship, with these people, he never would. _But I can't ask him to leave here. Not when it's all he knows. It's selfish. _"Let's go, then."

He nodded, putting on the helmet and escorting her from the room. She glanced around rather nervously as they walked down the quiet corridors, hoping that whoever they passed wouldn't pay her too much attention. A few junior crewmembers did look up as they walked past but none seemed to be interested, looking back down just as quickly - they'd probably seen who she was with. The idea of people being afraid of such a gentle man was almost laughable, but at the same time, terribly sad. Moving a little closer she squeezed his hand, smiling at an almost imperceptible squeeze back. _But I know the real him. And I won't forget._

It had been difficult at first to know what to do. The mission he'd been given had at first sounded unimportant - just go pick something up - but when he'd later learned Sting and the not-yet-recovered Stellar would be accompanying him he'd gotten a prickle of apprehension. _That and the fact that no-one will tell me what we're meant to do with this thing once we get it.. _And that same prickle, a gut feeling he'd learned to trust, told him that he shouldn't leave Murrue on the ship. So he'd smuggled her aboard the Windam, loading it onto the transport plane himself, and now rode up front with the two younger pilots. Stellar was still asleep, Sting shooting her angry glances every so often.

"Why do we need to bring a half-dead girl anyway?"

"There's a lot you don't know." he answered quietly. _There's a lot __**I**__ don't know. _Though still muttering Sting seemed to accept this, slumping back into his seat and leaving Neo to his thoughts. _Brooding_ she would call it, and she wouldn't be far wrong. Too much to think about, and not enough time to think it over in. Getting up he left the cabin, wandering down to the hangar where the Windam was kept. It was cold down here, his breath misting in the air before him. Concerned, he climbed up to the mobile suit and opened the cockpit door. It was a little warmer in here but not by much, the figure huddled behind the seat shivering despite the winter coat. He'd planned to leave her here until they were somewhere safe enough to let her go, but he hadn't taken the weather into account. Leaning over the seat he brushed a gloved hand over her cheek, smiling when she stirred from sleep and looked up at him. "Are you all right?"

She nodded, smiling herself a little. "I'm fine." An obvious lie, but he didn't call her on it. "Well, sort of fine, I guess."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think it'd be so cold down here. I can get you another coat."

"No." She shook her head, shuffling around to sit up. "I'm all right. You've done enough for me."

"You let me the judge of that. When we get onto the ship I'll come get you. I'll say you're my assistant."

Murrue raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that just a euphemism?"

"Not always." Quite a few senior officers in the Alliance had female companions referred to as 'assistants' or 'secretaries', but he respected Murrue far too much for that. "Not to me. But would you mind if others thought so?"

He could swear her smile became impish, just for a second. "Maybe not."

* * *

_Now I know why they needed Stellar._

What had been waiting for them In Russia was a mobile suit, but one that towered several metres over any other he'd ever seen. The thing was immense, made of black and red metal and glowering down at them through the whirling snow. From the little he'd learned about it he knew that an ordinary pilot wouldn't be able to control it - an Extended was needed, and despite Sting's complaints the task had been given to Stellar as the better pilot. She hadn't questioned the orders, smiling trustingly at him when he'd told her what she had to do, and he'd smiled back a little, swallowing his guilt. _I promised. I promised that kid I wouldn't make her fight again. That I'd let her live a happy life. But I knew even then I wouldn't be able to keep my word. _Not only that, but the name of the suit - Destroy - and their destination made it clear what was planned. Slumping back in the chair he sighed and rubbed at his eyes, glancing up when the shower was shut off. Murrue had been hesitant to leave the confines of the cockpit and been afraid to look up as they'd walked to his room, but once safe hadn't been afraid to scold him for taking more risks.

_She does make me feel better.. _Depressed (and scared) beforehand her sharp words had made him smile, warmth filling him as he'd realised she was worried about him. And so he'd hugged her, the scolding cut off by a squeak of surprise before she'd returned the embrace with a few grumbles. _Taking her prisoner that day was the best thing I ever did.._

"Better than staying in the Windam?"

"Nicer," she admitted from the bathroom, poking her head out to smile at him. She'd been grumpy beforehand, tired and sore from the hours spent hunched up in the mobile suit, but a hot meal and a hot shower seemed to have worked wonders. "I don't know if it's better."

"Course it is." Unzipping his jacket he left it in a pile on the bed, followed by his T-shirt and trousers and made as though to join her, but a soft beeping from the console on his desk made him stop. Pressing the control to close the bathroom door he answered the call on audio only, knowing who it would be.

Ear to the door she listened carefully. The voice of the caller wasn't one she recognised, but from the snatches of conversation she was able to hear it seemed as though they knew Neo quite well, the tone familiar. His shutting her out hadn't surprised her - there was very little he ever told her of his duties. _Always trying to protect me. _Combing through her hair with her fingers she dried herself off and redressed, turning around with a smile when she heard the door open. But for once, Neo didn't smile back. Instead he switched on the shower and just stared at the running water, expression terribly sad. Concerned and confused she wanted to ask him what was wrong but decided to leave him be. _If he wants to tell me, then he will. _

"You don't have to go."

"You look like you want to be alone."

A short laugh. "That's the last thing I want right now.." Running a hand through his hair he managed a smile when she wound an arm around him. "Sorry."

"It's okay. I'll stay if you want me to."

He nodded, ducking down to kiss the top of her head. "Thank you." Letting her go he shed clothes and climbed into the shower, tipping head back to let the water run through long blonde hair. The scars on his back stood out against the light, turned a dark pink by the heat of the water, and she reached out to trace them with a finger, smiling when he leaned into her touch.

"I'm a good listener, you know."

"I don't doubt it."

"You don't have to protect me from everything, you know. If you told me what was on your mind I might be able to help."

"M'not sure _anyone_ can help with this. It feels like whatever decision I make will be the wrong one." Reaching for a bottle of something he began to get washed, sneaking glances at her through tendrils of wet hair. "You'd really listen?"

"Of course I would."

A halfhearted grin. "Even though I'm meant to be your enemy?"

Murrue poked at his ribs. "You and I were never enemies."

"No, we weren't. Not even when I thought we were."

She smiled, taking the bottle and helping him wash his back. "What did you want me to listen to?"

"What we were sent here to get was a mobile suit. Not just any, either. One that could take out battleships with one shot." Flicking off the shower he reached for the towel she passed him. "My orders are to 'take care of Eurasia'. To punish them for allying with ZAFT. And to punish me."

"For what?"

"For not destroying the ZAFT ship, even though I've had the chance to." He smiled, though the expression was bitter. "I have to accompany that suit while it destroys Berlin."

"Destroys it?"

He nodded. "They decided that to subdue Eurasia we should show what we're capable of. Bring them back into line. They'll have no warning."

"Can't you.."

"Defy orders? I'd be overruled, and my crew would probably suffer the consequences." Climbing out of the shower stall he threw another towel over his head. "If I go along with this, not only would I be watching people die, I'd have to risk letting you go in the middle of it all. And hope that ZAFT or your ship show up to stop it."

_A no-win situation. Whatever he decides, people will die. _Unsure of how to help him she simply took his hand, feeling him squeeze back.

"You think your crew would be killed? They'd risk that?"

"Punishment, certainly. Whether they'd be killed, I don't know. But I can't take that chance." Moving to the main cabin he fumbled for his uniform, sitting down heavily on the bed. "Kindness really is a weakness. It's got me over a barrel."

"No. The one who gave you the order has. They know you won't risk the lives of your crew."

"Any advice?"

She tapped her chin. "Call their bluff."

"You think so?"

"I do. I don't think they'll be too harsh with them."

A small smile. "They'd still attack Berlin."

"Yes, they would. But _you_ wouldn't."

Neo picked at the hem of his T-shirt, looking extremely tempted. "What would I do then, though?"

"Anything you wanted to."

He ran a hand over his face. "I wish it were so simple. But the one who's meant to pilot that suit is just a kid. If I didn't go out there I'd be abandoning her. I already made a promise I can't keep." He glanced up at her. "What would _you_ do?"

"Which choice would you regret least?"

"I.." A little frown. "I don't know.."

* * *

_What would I regret least?_

He thought about that a lot in the time leading up to sortie. What he wanted to do, what he'd regret least, was to just get away from here. To not have the deaths of any more people on his conscience. He'd entertained dreams in the last few days of escaping to somewhere, anywhere, with Murrue, of having a normal life - whatever normal was. It was something he didn't deserve, but wanted more than anything. Glancing back over his shoulder he smiled a little to see her sitting there in the small space behind the seat. "Ready?"

A nod. "Whatever you decide, it'll be alright with me."

_I can't be responsible for destroying an entire city. I've already done enough. _Nor could he do much to protect Stellar. He'd known when he'd made that promise to the kid that there was no way he could have kept it. _She'd have been better off staying with him._ Whatever he chose, people would die - there was no getting away from that. But he could choose a way that left him with less guilt. Setting his chin he curled gloved hands around the controls, taking off into the pre-dawn sky and following Destroy for the first few miles until out of sight of the ship.

"Hold on." Flicking off the IFF beacon he sent the Windam into a steep dive, almost laughing at her squeak of alarm. For miles around the ground was thickly carpeted by trees - they should provide good cover. After a moment Murrue peeked out from behind the seat. "Where are we?"

"Hopefully far away enough to be out of range." he replied shortly, dodging trees. "Cross your fingers that we don't get followed or shot down." Though obviously still curious she nodded and ducked back down again, huddled in her coat. He'd decided to head for Denmark, somewhere close enough to reach with the fuel he had and which was semi-friendly.

"Thank you."

"Thank me when we're safe."

"For everything." Leaning over the seat she kissed his cheek. "Whether or not we make it."

"If we're not able to find your ship, where do we go?"

She smiled. "Anywhere we want. You decide."

"And that'd be alright?"

"That'd be alright."


	7. Chapter 7

_I could get used to this.. _The forest on the edge of Denmark was almost silent save for birdsong and the whisper of wind through the trees. It was past sunrise now, the winter sky a clear blue, and as he watched the monitor a flock of birds flew overhead. Affording himself a lazy smile he ran a hand over her hair, glancing down when she murmured in her sleep. After sending a coded message to her ship (which was probably somewhere in Scandinavia) she'd settled back on his lap to watch the sunrise but had quickly fallen asleep, which he'd found odd but touching. _Trusting. _He'd never felt comfortable enough around anyone to do that. At least, until he'd met her. _Since I met her, I've been thinking about things I never have before. When we left the ship I didn't even much care if her ship didn't find us. I still don't. _He kissed the top of her head. _And I'm not sure she does either._

Managing to move his hand without disturbing the sleeping woman he checked his watch with a rueful smile. If they'd managed to persuade Stellar to fight (probably using the block word) the attack on Berlin would be just beginning. Whatever he'd chosen, people would have died, and regardless of his decision to desert he still bore some of the responsibility for those deaths. In the end he'd saved only one life besides his own, but that life meant a great deal to him. Wrapping his arms a little more securely around her he rested his chin on the top of her head. If her ship had picked up the message they'd be here to pick her up in perhaps an hour or so, and that left him with a decision to make. Did he go with her, or did he stay here? An unfamiliar ship, unfamiliar crew - she'd be all he knew. It was a little disconcerting to say the least, and not for the first time his lack of memories bothered him. _It's not like I even have anything to offer her. I don't know where I'm from or how I came to be a soldier. I don't know where my family is or if I even have one. Even without taking into account the things I've done, I'm still not right for someone like her._

As though sensing his worry she stirred, reaching up to rub at her eyes. "Hmm?"

"Did I wake you? I'm sorry."

Murrue smiled, nuzzling a little nearer. "You'd have had to wake me anyway.."

"I know, but you haven't had much rest in the last couple of days."

"And you've had even less," she scolded gently. "I'll bet you've been awake thinking all this time."

"Had a lot to think about."

She looked up at that, amber eyes narrowed slightly. "Like what? You _are_ coming with me, aren't you?"

"I don't know." He couldn't lie to her, but instantly wished he'd kept quiet when her face fell. "Well, I don't. I might not be welcome there."

"You will be." She touched her nose to his. "They won't ask what you did."

"But they'll judge me anyway. And don't deny it - you know that they will."

"_I_ didn't."

Neo smiled. "No, you didn't. But not everyone is so understanding." Why _she_ was still mystified him. _She must have guessed the kind of things I've done. She knows what the Alliance are capable of. _

"You're scared of what people might think of you?"

He wrinkled his nose. _Scared_ wasn't the word he'd have chosen, but worried, certainly. Whether or not he'd been blackmailed into doing the things he'd done, the fact was he'd still done them. He didn't expect or want to be forgiven, not even by her. But still.. Slumping back in his seat he ran a hand over his face, peeking through his fingers when she kissed him lightly. "Not playing fair."

"Nope." She settled close again, head on his shoulder. "You _want_ to come with me, don't you?"

"Yeah."

She made a happy sound. "I'm glad. I didn't want to say goodbye after all that's happened."

"I'd have found you."

"I know. But still.." Reaching down she took his hand and squeezed gently. "When my friends arrive, we can go together."

"But.."

"Stop fretting. We can leave him behind."

He blinked. "Leave who?"

Murrue picked up the metal mask, running a finger over the red trim. "Him. The Alliance Neo. With all the things he did, and all the guilt he feels because of it."

"I wish it were that simple."

"No-one on _Archangel_ knows anything about it, and I'm not likely to tell them, am I?"

"Murrue.."

"If you didn't come with me, where would you go? You can't exactly go back to your ship, and if the Alliance caught you.."

"You'd be worried about me?"

She thumped his chest so hard he coughed. "Why wouldn't I be? Idiot."

Neo laughed, unable to help it. "Idiot, huh? I don't think anyone's ever called me that before."

"Well, you _are_. You have a chance to start over, to get away from the Alliance, but you'd rather stay here?" Another thump. "Not if I have anything to say about it. You're coming with me whether you like it or not."

"All right then."

She regarded him suspiciously, then frowned. "You wanted to be told that?"

He nodded. "It means you really care about this."

Surprise, then a smile. "Of course I do." Tucking her head under his chin she closed her eyes with a little sigh. "I'm cutting your hair when we get back."

"Why?"

"It tickles."

He smiled himself, twirling a lock of her hair around a finger. "Your hair doesn't tickle _me_."

"It might when you get used to it."

"I'll look forward to that."

* * *

She woke to the sound of beeping. Confused, she blinked up at her companion, smiling when he muttered something in his sleep, then glanced at the diagnostic board. The suit - a Windam, he'd called it - was similar enough to other mobile suits she'd worked on for her to be able to tell that the beeping was a proximity alarm. Another suit was close by. Friend or enemy? Finding the radio she adjusted the gain up and down to try and zero in on any signals the suit was sending out, hoping the Alliance hadn't come looking for them

_"...-san? Vernes-san? This is Strike Rouge. Do you read me?"_

"Wrong number.." Neo mumbled. "Go back to sleep."

"No, it's them." Excited she pressed the button to answer. "We read you, Strike Rouge."

The relief and delight in the girl's voice was easy to hear even over the crackle of static. _"I have your position. I'll be with you shortly. Strike Rouge out."_

"Sounded pretty young.."

"Eighteen. She's Kira-kun's sister."

"A Coordinator?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Why did she call you Vernes-san?"

Stretching out she settled back into his embrace to watch for the approaching mobile suit. "The alias I used back in Orb. In case anyone else is listening."

"That's pretty smart.."

"Mmm-hmm.." Noting a flash of sunlight off metal she smiled. "And there she is."

"Is that _pink_?"

"It certainly is. But this suit is puce, so you can't talk."

"It's purple." he replied, sounding almost offended. "I like purple."

Murrue grinned, pressing the control to open the cockpit and climbing out into the forest. He followed close behind, hovering almost protectively as the pilot of the other mobile suit descended slowly to earth on a wire. Almost before they hit the ground they tugged off their helmet and ran towards the two waiting, blonde hair flying out behind them. Like the teenager she was (but didn't often get to show) Cagalli-san laughed, throwing arms around Murrue in a hug as soon as she reached her.

"It really _is_ you. Kira said it would be.."

The older woman smiled, returning the embrace. Cagalli-san seemed happier somehow, lighter, as though she'd been freed from at least part of the burden of guilt she'd carried. "I'm glad you're all safe. Kira-kun let you come out here by yourself?"

"He doesn't know," was the cheerful reply. "He went out in Freedom a while back. We picked up the fleet of Murasames from _Takemikazuchi _a few weeks ago, and one of them was supposed to come pick you up. But I pulled rank."

"Did Kira-kun go to Berlin?"

"Yes. Something really bad is happening there."

"Yes, I know." Behind her she heard Neo's quiet sigh, then Cagalli-san's gasp as she recognised him. Not wanting to cause more confusion she pulled away to stand between the two. "This is Colonel Lorrnoke. I ended up on his ship and he took care of me, and in the end he helped me escape."

"I see." Though clearly baffled the girl nodded to him. "Cagalli Yula Athha."

Neo raised an eyebrow at that. "Orb's Representative? All the way out here?"

"It'd take a while to explain it all," Murrue pointed out. "Something we don't really have time for."

Cagalli-san nodded, evidently relieved to have an out from the awkward conversation. "There's room enough in Rouge for you both. And I have a feeling a lot of the crew will be waiting in the hangar for us - everyone's really missed you."

_I missed them too.. _Though not as much as she'd expected, thanks to her companion. He hung back a little, hesitating when she held out a hand to him, then moved forward to take it. She'd expected him to be nervous - she was taking him away from everything he'd known - but she felt sure he'd be happier.

"Let's go."

Just as the girl had said, a lot of the crew were waiting when Strike Rouge returned. Neumann and Miriallia-san were at the front of the group, both faces lighting up in a smile when she emerged from the cockpit. As she reached the deck Miriallia-san moved to hug her. "Welcome back, Murrue-san."

She nodded, closing her eyes and listening to the sounds of her ship. _Archangel_ was as much her home as Orb, perhaps more so as so much of her life was tied to it. And part of that life.. Glancing over her shoulder she saw him focusing on the deck to avoid the stares and whispers of the crew around him, and stepped back to be close to him.

"Colonel Lorrnoke helped me escape from the Alliance. He can't go back there, so he came here with me." She could see that many of the crew were curious, and they deserved an explanation, but right now.. Stifling a yawn with the back of her hand she smiled apologetically. "And I'll be glad to tell you all about it after we get some sleep. It's been a long night." Feeling a hand on her shoulder she looked up to see him smiling gently, and nodded. "When Kira-kun gets back, tell him to find somewhere quiet we can stay for a while."

Neumann grinned. "Will do, ma'am."

Masking another yawn she made her way out of the hangar, Neo following silently after one last look at the assembled crew. He seemed nervous still, yet curiosity was evidently stronger given how often he glanced around as they walked.

"It looks the same.."

She smiled. "I imagine most ships are built the same way. Does it _feel_ any different?"

He rubbed at the scar on his nose. "Kinda, yeah. M'not sure why, though."

Taking his arm she leaned in close as they walked. Her ship felt the same way it always had, familiar and comforting, and she hoped it felt that way for him. "We can find a room for you tomorrow if you'd like, or.."

"I can't stay with you?"

She smiled. "Of course."

* * *

Her room was much smaller than his had been, just a bed, bookcase, closet, dresser and tiny desk, with another door leading to what he presumed was the bathroom, but it felt welcoming in a way his own never had. As the door closed he wrapped her up in a hug, breathing in the scent from her hair, and smiled when she hugged him back. "You're home."

"_We're_ home."

The 'we' sounded pretty good. "So what happens now?"

He thought he heard her laugh. "We get some sleep." Letting him go she stretched out with a happy sigh before unzipping the coat and Alliance jacket and kicking off her boots. Moving behind her Neo helped her remove the garments, leaning down to kiss the crown of her hair.

"If there's a doctor here, we'll get you looked at again tomorrow. I bet that cast can come off now.."

"Hope so.." Turning around she unzipped his own uniform, taking the jacket to the little closet and placing it on a hangar. Why she wanted to keep it was beyond him, but he was sure she must have a good reason, so he didn't question it. _I have a feeling it'll take me a long time to figure her out.. _Sitting down on the little bed he tugged off his boots and socks, wiggling his toes. "Shower first?"

"In the morning.." Slumping down on the bed she leaned against him with eyes closed. She was pale, paler than he'd seen her - whatever sleep she'd gotten in the Windam it couldn't have been much.

"Do I sleep here with you, then?"

A drowsy smile. "Why not?" Shuffling up a little she pulled back the blankets and climbed into bed, stretching out with a contented sigh before patting the mattress beside her. With a smile of his own Neo climbed in beside her, coughing when she hugged him so tightly he was almost winded. Pillowing her head on his chest she closed her eyes, another smile flitting over her face when he stroked her hair, and drifted off to sleep almost immediately. And though he'd had even less rest than her and was certainly tired he stayed awake a while, absorbing the feel of this new ship and the one asleep in his arms. He knew he should feel worse - he'd abandoned his post and his crew with barely a second thought in order to be with her. _But I couldn't be worried about it, no matter how hard I tried. Not even when I told myself I didn't deserve her. _He still didn't. Despite everything she'd seen and done she still retained an innocence he found touching. _She looks for the good in everyone. Even in me, though I didn't believe I had any left. She knew better than me. _Shifting to a more comfortable position he tucked the blanket around her a little more securely before closing his eyes. Somehow, it felt as though he'd sleep well tonight.

_"Are you still working? It's past one.."_

_A tired smile. "It's alright. Go on to bed, I'll be done soon."_

_He placed a hand on her head, stroking her hair, and smiled himself when she leaned into the touch with a sigh. "If I went to bed, there'd be nothing to stop you from staying here two or three more hours. Here," Tugging the chair out he lifted her up, holding on to prevent a struggle, but to his surprise she wound arms around his neck, leaning close to touch her nose to his._

_"Thank you."_

_He blinked, then chuckled. "Wanted to be rescued, huh?"_

_"Mmm-hmm." She gave him an impish grin. "That and when they ask me why it's not finished, I can say it's your fault."_

_"You'd really be that mean?"_

_"No," she admitted, resting her head on his shoulder. "No, I wouldn't. I couldn't. You'd just give me that puppy-dog look and make me feel sorry for you."_

_"So just sympathy, then? Not because you love me?"_

_She closed her eyes with another smile. "You know I love you. Still don't believe me?"_

_"I believe you. Just not used to it."_

_"One day you will be."_

_He nodded, ducking down to kiss the crown of her hair. "Yeah." _

_He was looking forward to that._

Yawning widely he reached up to run a hand through his hair, feeling more at peace with himself than he ever remembered. He'd hoped he'd dream of her, and while the things he'd seen had confused him, they'd also comforted. Like he'd so often imagined (and wished) she'd been in Alliance uniform, though the jacket had been discarded on the bed. And she'd been working, papers stacked up on the little desk. He could still see the slight furrow of her brow, the way she chewed her pen, hear the happy sound when he'd stroked her hair - almost too real to have been a dream. Murrue herself also seemed to be dreaming, happy dreams given her smile and the way her cheeks were flushed pink, and she murmured something he couldn't make out when he trailed fingertips along her arm. This too was something he'd imagined, being able to spend the night with her without having to worry about being needed or being caught. Now she was back on her own ship she'd no doubt have to resume her duties as captain, but for as long as he could, he'd keep her with him. Glancing around the room he smiled at the familiarity of things. Though he'd never been in here before it still reminded him of her, neat and ordered. The little bookcase contained almost as many books as his own had, though the dim light made it difficult to make out the subjects, and beside the little desk was a coffeemaker and two mugs. _She must spend a lot of time in here.. _

He'd help her, he decided. He didn't have the authority to sign off work but he could help her read through it, and return he'd be able to be with her more. Not a bad deal. Looking down at the sleeping Murrue he stroked her hair gently, smiling again when she stirred.

"Mmm.."

"Good morning."

She blinked sleepily, reaching up to rub her eyes with her good arm, then smiled herself. "Sleep okay?"

"I did, thank you. Better than I have in a long time."

"Glad to hear it." Shuffling up she kissed him lightly, giggling when he snaked arms around her waist to pull her closer. She smelled good, of warm skin and flowers and he nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck, planting kisses until she squirmed. Not wanting to hurt her he carefully rolled them over until he was looking down at her, touching the end of his nose to hers. A lazy smile, and she reached up to wind an arm around his neck. "Must really have been a good night."

"It was. Shall I show you how good?" Without waiting for an answer he slid hands under her T-shirt, inwardly triumphant when her eyes fluttered closed. No amount of time he'd spent with her had ever been enough, and he planned to make up for that. Ducking under the covers he kissed her toes, chuckling at her squeak of surprise.

"That tickles.."

"Does it?" He tickled the sole of the foot, holding on tight when she wriggled, then began to kiss his way up her leg. Gradually her laughter faded to be replaced by murmurs and hitched breathing, then grumbles when he teased her. Amused, he peeked out from under the covers. She was rather flushed, dark eyes half-closed but she was frowning, lips pursed. "Someone's grumpy this morning."

A little huff (which was really cute) and she swatted him around the head. Understanding, he slid a hand under the blankets, not able to hide his grin when her cross expression melted into a smile, thin hands curled in the sheets.

"That's better."

Murrue giggled, opening her eyes just a fraction. "This is a nice way to wake up.."

"Isn't it?" Moving up he kissed her, tickling her stomach and catching her hands when she tried to swat him away before moving closer, the kiss stifling her gasp.

_Yeah, this is a pretty good way to start the morning.._

_

* * *

_

"Okay, now hold still.."

He did as she asked, scarred nose crinkling slightly as a lock of hair was carefully snipped away and fell to the floor. He hadn't protested when she'd asked if it was alright to cut it - in fact he'd accepted the idea quite happily. _I think that perhaps this is a way for him to be different to the Neo from before. Which is exactly what I wanted. _Leaning down she kissed the top of his head. No matter how you looked at it they'd been lazy, but maybe once in a while it wasn't so bad. They'd earned it. Taking a length of blonde hair between her fingers she cut, brushing the locks from his shoulder.

"You can cut it shorter if you want."

"No, this length is fine. It suits you and besides, you're used to it being long." And he wouldn't look too much like his old self. She'd learned to call him Neo, to think of him as Neo, and wanted her crew to do the same. _He's his own person, and he deserves to be treated as such. _

"Can I see?"

Murrue reached behind her for the small mirror on her nightstand and handed it to him, smiling at his curious expression. She'd never gotten the chance to see his room, but she suspected he hadn't owned a mirror. "Are you getting used to it?"

"To the hair?"

"To your reflection. You look as though you don't get to see it much."

A small smile. "I was given a mirror in hospital after the bandages came off. The scar was all I could see."

"So you stopped looking."

"Not altogether - I had a hand mirror I used for shaving - but mostly."

"What do you think of your reflection now?"

Neo rubbed at his nose. "I don't know." His eyes met hers in the mirror and noticed her smile. "But you like it, so I guess it can't be that bad."

"You're very handsome."

He brightened. "No-one ever told me _that_ before. You really mean it?"

"Of course I do." Snipping away another length of hair she watched him examine the scar in the mirror, stifling a laugh when he poked at the injury. "Didn't the nurses say it?"

"They didn't talk much except to scold me when I tried going for a walk. I think they were scared to."

"I see.."

"I wish _you'd_ found me. Would you have helped me, even if I was Alliance?"

"Yes."

Neo smiled at that, wiggling his toes. "I think I might have enjoyed being your prisoner."

She pinked. "I don't think you'd have been as well-behaved as I was."

"I'd do whatever you asked me."

"Would you really?"

He peeked up through untidy fringe with a grin. "Sure I would."

She measured another length of hair, rubbing the wavy blonde between her fingers. "Even if it's something you wouldn't normally do?"

A chuckle. "I trust you."

Murrue leaned down to wind arms around his shoulders, kissing the tip of his ear. "Thank you."


	8. Chapter 8

"How is he?"

She smiled, tapping her papers together. "He's alright. I left him reading one of my books."

Her younger friend raised his eyebrows, sitting in the chair opposite. "Really? I wouldn't have expected Mwu-san to have the patience for reading."

"He had more than people gave him credit for, but he was certainly more restless than Neo is."

Kira-kun frowned. "You talk about him as though he's a different person."

"Because he is. I know," she continued when the boy made as though to argue, "I know that he's still Mwu inside. But _he_ doesn't. As long as he wants to be Neo, that's who he'll be."

"What if he never remembers?"

"Then he'll always be Neo. And that'd be fine."

"Is he very different from before?"

"In some ways. He's quieter, more serious and thoughtful - he's carrying a lot of guilt that he won't talk to me about - and he's more patient. But he has the same kindness, the same heart as Mwu did."

Kira-kun looked troubled. "He was made to do things he didn't want to. Things that hurt him. That still hurt him."

"Yes, I think so. He won't tell me, though."

"I think he will. Maybe not right away, but he will. He trusts you."

Murrue smiled. "I know. He only told me so a few days ago, but I think he has for a while. He came here with me, after all."

"Maybe he'll remember more now he's back here."

"Maybe. But until he does, do me this favour - don't call him Mwu. Let him be himself."

A nod. "Alright." He poked at the mug of tea she'd given him. "I missed you. Everyone did. Cagalli wanted us to go look for you but no-one had any idea where you were or who took you there. We argued a lot in the first few days. " A smile. "We didn't have you to turn to anymore."

"I missed you all too. I had a lot of time to think about it when he wasn't around."

Kira-kun tipped his head to one side. "You weren't a prisoner?"

"At first, I was. But we talked, and I helped him understand why we'd done the things we'd done, and why we're fighting now. It would have been easy for him to just hand me over at a base and wash his hands of me, but he didn't. Instead he gave me a room, brought me food - he took care of me."

"Still Mwu-san."

She smiled, taking a sip of her coffee. _Somewhere along the line I stopped thinking of him as Mwu. It wouldn't be fair of me. He likes me for who I am, so it's only right that I do the same. _

"Do you love him?"

Murrue hid her face in her mug, hoping she wasn't turning as red as she thought. "Kira-kun!"

Her friend grinned like the boy he was. "Only a question."

"But.."

"You care about him though. Anyone can see that. And he didn't come here with you just because he trusts you. You deserve to be happy - you both do."

"We'll see how things go."

And so far, things were going well. They'd been back a couple of days, gradually adjusting (or readjusting) to life on the ship. Neo preferred to stay in her room either reading or just thinking, and she didn't pressure him to do otherwise - she'd wait until he was ready. Carrying two bowls of stew back to the room later that afternoon she hummed softly to herself, nodding greetings to crewmembers she passed. He seemed much more relaxed here though, any nightmares he'd had lessened. _He says that's because of me. _Shaking her head at the idea she pressed the control to enter the room, lips curving in a fond smile at what she found. He was totally absorbed in the novel she'd lent him, blue eyes narrowed in concentration, and hadn't even noticed her return. As quietly as she could Murrue leaned forward to tweak his toes, doing her best to not laugh when he jumped so violently he almost fell off the bed. Recovering himself he fixed her with a plaintive expression.

"That was mean."

"Was it?" Handing him a stew bowl she hopped onto the bed beside him. "Enjoying the book?"

He nodded cheerfully. "Been trying to guess who the killer is, but there's a lot of twists. Every time I think I've got it, something else happens. It's great." Ducking down he caught her lips in a kiss. "How did work go?"

"Not as bad as I'd thought," she admitted, taking a spoonful of her stew. "Lots of paperwork, but all I had to do was sign it - Neumann and Kira-kun did most of it."

Neo frowned. "How come they didn't sign it off?"

"I guess they didn't want to think that I might not be coming back. Kira-kun said they wanted to look for me but didn't know where to start." She shuffled sideways to sit a little closer to him. "They were surprised an Alliance officer would have helped me escape."

He smiled. "Actually, I'd say that _you_ were the one who helped _me_ escape. I never had the courage to try alone."

"Then we helped each other."

"Yeah." He sipped his stew. "Thank you. For that and for lunch. How long do you think it'll be before we get to Orb?"

"A few days, maybe. Kira-kun called ahead to let them know we were on our way, and to let my friends there know I was okay." She grinned, spearing a floating vegetable with her fork. "Erica will flatten me."

"Erica?"

"My boss at Morgenroete, and my best friend. She knew I was missing."

"I'm sure she's been worried about you. Everyone was." He reached out and brushed the back of his hand against her cheek. "They were all happy to see you."

"They'd like to meet _you_. Especially Kira-kun."

"I don't know how to talk to people. Until I met you, I never bothered. And besides," He shrugged. "I'm Alliance. Why would they want to meet me?"

"You're not Alliance anymore." Seeing how downcast he looked she leaned close to rest her head on his shoulder. "Orb welcomes all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds. You're no different to any of them."

He reached up to run a hand through her hair. "I am. For too many reasons."

She poked him in the ribs. "And you never tell me any of them."

"If I did, we wouldn't be here like this."

"How do you know?"

A little smile. "Because no-one would."

* * *

He wanted to tell her. He wished he had the courage to sit down with her and tell her everything he'd seen and done before he'd met her. But every time he tried, a combination of fear and guilt caused his tongue to stick almost to the roof of his mouth. He was used to being disliked, used to being avoided - but not by her. _I can't risk it. She means too much.. _Lying on the bed, book forgotten, he stared at the ceiling wishing she was there. Paperwork again, though she'd promised him dinner when she returned. _I should go find her, be with her, but if she's busy I don't want to bother her. _Sitting up and stretching he poked through her shelves, examining books and trinkets in an effort to distract himself. Two Alliance-issue caps, one large and one small. The smaller one smelled of her, even though it must have been a long time since she'd worn it. The larger...He picked it up and turned it over in his hands. _This belonged to a man. Her pilot, probably. _Wrinkling scarred nose at the sudden spark of jealousy he squeezed the object tightly. She'd taken care to not mention him too much in her stories, understanding he wouldn't like to hear, but on the rare occasions she did speak of him her smile was always fond, loving. _She told me that though I remind her of him sometimes, that's not why she likes me, and I believe her. It's just that.. _He rubbed at the scar on his nose. How could he compare?

Setting aside the caps (but not his discomfort) he looked over the rest of the items. Novels, history books, engineering manuals, and a small wooden box. Inside, wrapped in white tissue paper, was a seashell. It was mottled pink and white, polished to a sheen bright enough for him to see his reflection in, and very carefully he lifted it out to look at it better. It was probably a souvenir of some kind, a reminder of her life in Orb, of blue skies, white sand and sunshine. If he closed his eyes, he found he could picture the scene. Sunset, or just after, the sky stained orange and pink with the stars just beginning to appear. Her standing there, amber eyes reflecting the sky's colour, holding the shell in both hands. Smiling and perhaps blushing too, bare feet curled in the sand.

"It was a gift." she admitted later, sitting down on the bed beside him after brushing out shower-dampened hair.

"From him? Your pilot?"

She nodded. "Not long before we had to leave for space, we took a walk to a beach near Morgenroete to watch the sunset. He found that shell there, and gave it to me."

Jealousy nagging at him again he stared at his feet. Murrue regarded him for a moment, expression confused, then she smiled a little, shuffling close to rest her head on his shoulder. She didn't ask any questions, though he himself was burning with dozens of them. Hands clasped together in his lap he closed his eyes, only smiling slightly when he felt a gentle touch to the scar over his nose.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I made you uncomfortable."

"You didn't." Glancing down at her he wound an arm around her waist. "It's not something I should have a problem with. Just not used to it, I guess."

"Used to what?"

He managed a smile. "Being jealous. He did all that for you - he even saved your life."

"But so did you." She moved up to kiss his cheek. "You've done so much for me I'll never be able to repay you. And just because I love him doesn't mean I can't love you too."

"Really?"

A laugh. "Of course. Did you think I didn't?"

"I had no idea." It wasn't exactly something he was used to, but he had to admit, it felt pretty good. "Thank you."

Murrue gazed at him, expression between affectionate and sympathetic. "No-one's ever told you that before, have they?"

He shook his head. Dislike, distrust, fear...that he was used to. But love.. Suddenly oddly shy he stared at his lap. "Don't deserve it."

"How do you know?"

He wouldn't get a better opportunity. Hands twisted together he began to tell her, hesitantly at first, but the more he said the easier it became to say it. Even if she hated him for it, at least she'd know the truth. He talked for what felt like hours, eyes closed, and when it was all over ran a hand over his face. She was still sitting there beside him, dark eyes puffy with tears, but to his surprise she smiled, moving to hug him. "It's alright."

"It is?"

She nodded. "I'm glad you told me."

"I wanted to for a long time, but I never knew how to say it. Not something you can just drop into conversation."

"No, it isn't. You were worried about what I'd think?"

"Hard not to be."

She smiled. "You could have told me back then. All those times you'd come visit me, the times when you looked like you needed someone to talk to. I'd have listened."

"I know. And I wish I had. But it's not like I was used to it."

"And I was your prisoner."

Neo chuckled. "No, you weren't. I was yours. I still am."

_And I think I always will be._

_

* * *

_

( Not sure whether this is a good place to end it or not. Please let me know! )


	9. Chapter 9

He was watching the snow. For a moment Kira stayed hidden, taking in the changes in his friend. His hair was quite long, though Murrue-san had said it had been even longer, and there were scars visible on his face and arms. _No surprise there. What happened to Strike should have killed him. _He must have made some movement because the older man suddenly turned to look at him, expression one of curiosity and, Kira thought, just a little nervousness. They regarded each other in silence for a moment, neither sure what to say, then his friend smiled.

"You must be Kira."

He raised an eyebrow. "You know who I am?"

The older man tipped his head to one side slightly, then nodded. "Murrue told me."

Kira smiled. "I see. I'm glad I found you - I wanted to thank you."

"For what?"

"Taking care of Murrue-san. We tried looking for her, but none of us had any idea what ship she was on. She was lucky you were the one who found her."

"No, I'm pretty sure that _I_ was the lucky one."

"Really?"

His friend glanced back out at the falling snow. "She...woke me up. Helped me understand things better."

"She told you what happened at Alaska?"

He nodded. "Even though I only had her word, I still believed her."

Kira grinned. "She has that effect on people. Sort of draws you in."

"She did." He leaned against the window. "And I'm glad of it. Though I don't deserve her."

"I think you do, and she thinks so too. Don't worry."

A small but genuine smile. "You know where I came from?"

"Doesn't matter. I'm sure there are good people in the Alliance, same as everywhere else."

"How do you know _I'm_ a good person?"

_You always were. _"Because Murrue-san cares about you."

"That's all you need?"

"That's all I need."

_She said he was a good kid, and that I'd like him. There isn't much she's wrong about, is there? _And through all their conversation he'd never once thought about the kid being a Coordinator - like she'd said, he was just a boy. From almost as soon as he'd woken in hospital he'd been taught that Coordinators were the enemy - that they were trying to subdue and control Naturals. He'd mentioned that to Murrue once and she'd smiled, taking his hand and squeezing gently.

_"The PLANT's don't have enough resources to make that possible, even if that's what the people there wanted. Aside from a few extreme individuals, all they want is to be able to continue their way of life."_

_"And the mobile suits? The ships?"_

_"Self-preservation, I'd hope." _A little frown. _"Although it's hard to work out Chairman Dullindal's motives."_

_"You're not sided with him?"_

_"No. Athrun-kun wanted us to, and Kira-kun thought about it, but we couldn't overlook what had happened before."_

_"What did happen?"_

Another frown, she leaning against him. _"Someone sent assassins to kill Lacus-san."_

_"Lacus Clyne? But I thought.."_

_"The girl they're parading around isn't Lacus-san. Just a lookalike. After the first war, Lacus-san came back to Orb with the rest of us. The house she and Kira-kun lived in was destroyed by the wave caused by Junius Seven, so they came to live with us. And not long before war broke out again, the assassins came."_

_"Not the Alliance?"_

_"What interest would they have in her? But if ZAFT sent them, and later reported the Alliance had assassinated her, what do you think would have happened?"_

He'd whistled. He'd seen broadcasts from Carpentaria of that girl's concert - her popularity was immense. Her being killed and the death blamed on the Alliance.. _"But why? If they just want to live as they are, why do something like that?"_

_"I doubt the general population of the PLANT's have any idea what the Chairman's real plans are. Right now, no-one does."_

Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't notice the one approaching until he felt a warm hand in his. Surprised, he looked down to see her smiling face, and like always couldn't help but smile back. "How long have you been there?"

"Not long. Kira-kun said the two of you had been talking, so I thought I'd come see how you are."

"M'okay. Had a lot to think about."

"What did you think of him?"

"He's a good kid, like you said." Leaning in close he kissed the top of her head. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Believing in me, I guess. Not used to that."

She smiled again and cuddled close. "I always did. Even when you didn't."

"I still don't. Too much to regret."

A poke to his chest. "Some good things have happened though, haven't they?"

"Yeah.."

"Then you don't regret _everything_. Focus on that."

He nodded. "You did that." He left it as a statement rather than a question - she must have regretted things, not least losing the other guy, but he had a feeling that she wouldn't have for long.

"That's right. I've done things I was proud of as well as things I regretted, and I know which I'd rather remember."

"Does it get easier?"

"Yes. Not overnight, but it does get easier."

* * *

_I won't regret anything. Not anymore._

After _his_ death, she'd regretted letting anyone get close. Believing she'd be better off alone she'd thrown herself into her work, eventually being noticed by Admiral Halberton and drafted for the G Project. Her drive had brought recognition and reward, but not happiness. _I told myself that it didn't matter. That as long as I stayed alone I'd be fine. But.._ On the day Heliopolis had been attacked she'd met him - someone just like her. _We were the same. Empty inside. I suppose it's really not surprising that we ended up the way we did. _After Jachin Due, her friends had helped her to understand and come to terms with his loss. Especially Erica, who had asked why she'd regret loving someone. _So I made up my mind to never regret anything again._

Not even refusing to surrender. She'd made sure to look the other woman right in the eye, shoulders squared and chin lifted in a show of confidence she hadn't really felt. Too much on the line to surrender. Her ship, her crew, Cagalli-san and the Murasame fleet, Kira-kun out there in Freedom, and... She'd looked up at him, managing a little smile at his gentle expression. He'd understood, and he'd believed in her like always. _And I knew that it'd be all right._

It was over. Taking a deep breath she sank back in her chair, staring into the depths of the ocean they'd managed to reach at the cost of one of their engines. With any luck, the amount of fuel and debris combined with the turbulence of the water would convince Captain Gladys that _Archangel_ had been destroyed.

"Damage report?" Her voice shook slightly but she disguised it with a cough.

"Engine room reports three lost," Miriallia-san replied quietly. "The damaged sections have been sealed off."

"And Kira-kun?"

"No reply from Freedom. Cagalli-san went out in Rouge to try and find him."

"He'll be alright," Neo announced suddenly, everyone on the bridge turning to him. "She'll bring him back."

"Right. Then we can.." Surprised, she glanced down at her hands. They were shaking. Frowning she clasped them together in her lap.

"Murrue?"

"Hmm?"

He knelt down beside her chair, placing one of his hands over both of hers. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am. Just tired is all."

A kind smile. "You did a great job."

She rubbed at her nose, wondering why it was she felt like crying. "Doesn't feel like it.."

"Well, it should. You saved us." Leaning close he kissed her forehead. "Thank you."

"I.."

"C'mon you, let's go see the kid."

_She still manages to surprise me... _"You didn't mention you were planning something like that."

She shrugged a little. "Because I didn't plan it. I just.." Running a hand over her face she sighed. "I had to do _something. _We couldn't have fought back, not without sustaining severe damage. And she wouldn't have given up."

"Maybe not. But _you_ didn't either, and that's what counts." He slung an arm around her shoulders. "The ship can be fixed up, and we're not being followed. Take it easy."

"I've never been very good at that."

"Neither have I. But I bet we can learn."

Murrue smiled. "Think so, huh?"

"Course." He held out a hand and she took it, lacing their fingers together. "Want to go see the kid, or go rest up for a bit?"

"I _am_ tired," she admitted, "but I'd like to see Kira-kun. To thank him."

"Yeah." The kid had been protecting this ship by himself all this time - no mean achievement. "I'm sure he's okay."

She nodded, though her hand squeezed his a little.

As it turned out, the kid was pretty banged up. Not entirely surprising considering what had happened to his suit, but still uncomfortable to see. He lay still and unmoving in a sickbay bed, bandaged and connected to an IV, with that little blonde-haired miss he'd met the other day on the chair beside him.

"Cagalli-san?"

The miss glanced up and managed a smile when she saw them watching. "He'll be okay. The doctors said he should be fine in a week or so. Freedom's a wreck, though. If he hadn't hit the cutoff switch for the reactor we wouldn't be here right now."

Neo whistled softly. _Reactor? That suit was nuclear-powered? _Murrue for her part walked over to the bed and brushed a hand over the kid's hair. "Thank you, Kira-kun."

The miss smiled a little more genuinely. "I'll tell him you were here when he wakes up."

She nodded with a smile of her own, and looked back up at Neo when he placed a hand on her shoulder. She did look tired, and sad, and leaned into him slightly. The miss seemed to understand, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "Go get some rest, Murrue-san."

Murrue pulled a face at that but didn't argue, letting him lead her out of the room.

"Everyone's fussing.."

"Because they care about you. It's no bad thing."

She smiled at that, letting him wrap an arm around her waist. "I guess not."

* * *

He was nervous. He did his best to not show it around the crew, talking with the recovered Kira-kun and helping with the maintenance of the Murasame fleet amongst other things, but alone was a different story. He'd lie on the bed staring at the ceiling, head pillowed on his arms, and though he liked to listen to her stories of home the smile never quite reached his eyes. _He wants to go there, he's admitted as much, but what he won't admit is how worried he is. _It didn't matter to him that no-one else knew where he'd come from or what he'd done - _he_ would know, and couldn't forget. Neither would he ask for forgiveness, though he clearly needed it. Setting down her hairbrush she climbed onto the bed beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder. He did smile then, winding an arm around her waist to bring her close.

"Did you call your friend?"

"I did. She's looking forward to seeing us, though maybe not to seeing how damaged the ship is. She's looking forward to meeting you too."

"Really?" He sounded sceptical. "But I.."

"You took care of me and helped me escape. Why wouldn't she want to meet you?"

"But.."

She elbowed him in the ribs. "She doesn't know what you did before, and you don't have to tell her. Try seeing what happens when you let people take you at face value. I think you'll be surprised."

"Is that what you did?"

"Mmm-hmm."

He nudged a kiss to her cheek. "Thank you. Your friend was happy, then?"

"I think Kira-kun had called ahead and told her we were here. She said that everyone would be waiting." Shuffling back further into his embrace she closed her eyes with a smile of her own. "It'll be good to see her again."

"What did you tell her about me?"

"That I'd rescued you from the Alliance."

A chuckle. "I'm not your prisoner, then?"

"We'll see."

* * *

"Murrue!"

Running up the ramp the older woman wrapped her in a hug so tight the breath was almost squeezed out of her. "Thank God."

"I'm sorry I scared you."

"Nothing to apologise for. I'm just glad you're safe." Pulling away a little Erica regarded her with a relieved smile. "Everyone's missed you."

She pinked, embarrassed. "M'okay.."

"But you might not have been." Looking back over her shoulder her friend aimed a warm smile at the one standing behind her. "I have you to thank, don't I?"

"I..uhh.." Clearly not having expected such a reaction Neo fidgeted a little. "I.."

Turning back to him Murrue took his hand and squeezed gently to reassure him. He still wasn't used to kindness, not least from complete strangers, and Erica's words had knocked him off balance a little. He smiled slightly, squeezing back.

"You always break my ship."

The younger woman sighed, shaking her head. "Was either the engine or the whole ship. Make your mind up."

Erica grinned. "We can fix it. But before that, I have a surprise for you. C'mon."

Half an hour later, both dressed in borrowed Morgenroete uniforms, they walked into the garden of the large house on the hill, and she barely had time to register the amount of people waiting before they surged forward and surrounded her, all talking at once. Co-workers, dock workers, friends, some with drinks in hands, and from what she could gather from the snatches of conversation they'd been waiting for her to arrive. Catching a glimpse of Erica through the throng of people she aimed a scolding expression which was evidently lost on her friend given the grin that was flashed back. Neo had managed to avoid the crowd, standing in the shadow of a tree by the wall unnoticed by all but one.

"Will she be all right?"

"She'll be fine." Placing a hand on his shoulder she steered him in the direction of the barbecue in the corner of the garden. She'd roped in her husband to help cook for everyone, chicken wings, burgers and sausages as well as baked potatoes, and she had a feeling that this young man had quite the appetite. _Murrue said that he's not good with people, which is understandable. But he doesn't have to be all that sociable if he doesn't want to be.. _"Don't worry."

"You wanted a party?"

Erica smiled. "Everyone did. As soon as they heard she was coming back they all wanted to see her. They all love her."

"I can understand why." The blonde man smiled, rubbing his nose in apparent embarrassment.

"You fell for her, then?"

He went faintly pink. "I never stood a chance. Never met anyone like her."

"She told me when she called that she was glad she'd met you. I have to admit, when she said an Alliance soldier had helped her escape I wasn't sure what to expect, but you're a nice surprise."

A grin. "Thanks."

"Any time." _Good to see you again, La Fllaga._

_

* * *

_

He looked happy. Hands stuffed in the pockets of borrowed green trousers he gazed out over the darkened ocean, light breeze playing with the ends of his hair. His entire posture was relaxed, contented...a far cry from his earlier worries. While he hadn't exactly been the life of the party he'd gotten along just fine with Erica and her husband, sitting in a quiet corner of the garden with a plate of hot food and a bottle of beer. Her friend had been pleased, though had scolded her gently for not letting her know about his identity beforehand. _  
"I wouldn't have called him by the wrong name, you know."_

_And it's not that,_ she thought, moving to stand beside him and take his hand. _I know you wouldn't have. But this way you were able to get to know him for who he is, not who he was._

"What do you think?"

"You have some good friends."

She smiled. "Thank you. And the beach?"

"It's beautiful." He tipped his head back to look up at the stars, blue eyes reflecting the violet sky. "All of it is. I didn't know there were places like this left. Now I understand better."

"About why we fight?"

"Yeah. Seems like a good thing. Something worth protecting." He ruffled her hair. "And you're doing it all by yourselves."

"For now. But maybe things will change."

He nodded with a smile, pulling her close. "Thanks for bringing me here. For rescuing me."

"Didn't _you_ rescue _me_?"

"Rescued each other?"

"Maybe we did. But I'm glad."

"Can I still be your prisoner?"

She laughed. "If you like."

* * *

( Onee-san wanted them to get home to Orb. Et voila xD

please read and review! )


End file.
